Notional
by nganhawrites
Summary: A nation's obligation was to fight for its people - not to feel, to sympathize, to be human. As the weight of their responsibilities increased, perhaps his amnesia was the only thing that could salvage their shambles of a relationship. Thailand/Vietnam. Historical Angst.
1. Lucid Recollection

The story takes place in Lan Na, an ancient kingdom centered in Northern Thailand, in 1770. At that time, Lan Na was a vassal of Burma (the present-day Republic of the Union of Burma).

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Notional:

1 : theoretical, speculative

2 : existing in the mind only : imaginary

3 : given to foolish or fanciful moods or ideas

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The storm caught him unawares. One minute, the fisherman was idly steering his oars, content to soak under the rain for a while before reaching his village, and the next minute, he was rowing hastily as gales twisted and whisked unevenly, threatening to turn his fishing boat upside down and drown him under metres of water.

Kasem had heard his mother warn about sudden storms in the North – those that gathered in the blink of an eye, starting with drizzles, breezes, occasional sunlight and ending with gale-force winds and tumultuous outpourings. Nonetheless, he had paid little heed to his mother's advice because she herself had said that Lan Na had not encountered such storm for almost a century. Only after he had taken the brunt of the act of God himself did he regret dallying and making light of the initial sprinkle.

Endless torrents of raindrops fizzed on his head, his neck, his clothes, infiltrating every tiny crevice on his bare skin and drenching him in a shivery cold. Winds whipped into the Ping river, turning the usually serene Chao Phraya tributary into a never-ending stream of cacophony and precipitating strong waves that swirled and eddied against Kasem's fragile boat. Kasem cursed under his breath and tried to regain his equilibrium in vain. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he felt as if panic could convulse him in any minute.

Through his chaotic state, he delineated the map of Lan Na in his mind. Earlier that day, he had been close to Chiang Mai, the capital of Lan Na, so it would take roughly half a day to get back to his village. He must, perforce, find a temporary shelter. The northern part of the Ping River was immured by forests and mountains; if he was lucky, he could find a cave, take shelter there and wait until the storm had passed. With that thought in mind, he grimly propelled the boat forwards, eyes on the lookout for possibly dangerous obstacles and the smallest signs of a cave.

Suddenly, Kasem caught a flicker of bright green in front of him and squinted. His heart nearly stopped when he made out a girl wearing a green robe floating behind the endless rush of waves. Her long hair was disheveled and flowing on the water surface; her eyes were closed, and her face showed no trace of consciousness.

He blinked. The girl sunk into water again, before floating back to the surface.

Was she dead? He wondered briefly, only to reach the inevitable answer. She was, probably. Once a person had hit the bottom of the Ping during a storm, that person had very slim chances of survival. It was not worth saving her, as Kasem himself was also in danger.

Kasem's boat would have gone past her had Kasem not felt a twinge of conscience. Even if she was dead, she did not deserve to be buried under water. He quickly steered the oars in a different direction, propelling the boat towards the poor girl.

The rain beat down harder and harder by minute. Kasem's surroundings faded into a white blur, obscuring everything in his vision. He licked his lips and narrowed his focus into the green color. After a minute that felt like forever, he managed to grab her hand and pull her onto his boat. His boat rocked on the waves and he almost toppled backwards into the river.

After succeeding in his little deed, Kasem held his breath and slowly composed himself. He clutched onto his oars and proceeded on, only sparing the girl a small glance as he looked around to find a cave.

Once he had spotted a cavern, he wasted no time in rowing towards it.

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Kasem was an impoverished fisherman who worked to excess every day in a remote village in Lan Na. His family only consisted of him and his mother – who was over seventy years old and could hardly work. Yet, she was not even his real mother. Three years ago, when she walked along the bank of the Ping river, she found him – a teenage boy who was drenched in blood and wore tattered clothes. When he woke up, she realized that he had no recollection of his past – his memory was a blank paper. So she called him her only child, taught him the language of Lan Na, sent him to an experienced fisherman to teach him how to fish and bought him a small fishing boat with her savings.

His mother had expected him to be sensible. His mother had not expected him to botch up his only job and risk his life during a storm.

Luckily, Kasem managed to stay alive. He sat on the cold layer of rocks, still gasping for breath and coughing. Outside, a wall of rain enclosed his shelter and drummed loudly against the rocks. Water trickled on and seeped in his skin, making him shiver from the cold. He pulled off his shirt, ignoring any sense of modesty left, and used his sloppy shirt to wipe his body dry. Then, he glanced at the girl he had saved earlier.

When he examined her a brief moment ago, to his surprise, the girl was alive and breathing well. She was still wan, and her pulses were weak, but she showed no sign of a person who had just drown herself. He winced, wondering what would have happened had he not decided to save her. If she had died without him knowing, he would be doomed to perdition and overcome by regret while rotting in hell.

He contemplated taking her green outfit off. His mother had taught him not to touch any person of the opposite sex unless he was married to her. Yet, if he left her in such a saturated state, she would catch a cold. After a moment of wavering between propriety and her health, he shuffled closer to her and removed her apparel while blushing furiously and carefully averting his eyes to not look at her undergarments. When his fingers touched the water-soaked, silky green fabric, he paused momentarily and frowned. Under the expensive robe hid a pocket knife the size of his hand, with elaborately-carved handle that suggested superior caliber. The sharp, cold metal gleamed at him in the lightless surroundings and made him shudder. She probably carried it to defend herself.

Kasem squeezed the piece of clothing lightly in fear of leaving it crumpled and dimly realized that it was not the usual kind of clothes that women in his country wore. A foreigner, then? Maybe she was the wife of a rich nomadic trader. He blanched when he thought about his and her situation. Her husband would go livid if he saw Kasem and his wife now.

Kasem quickly used her robe to dry her head, helped her put on her own clothes and scooted back. This way, she would not easily catch a cold and feel less embarrassed once she woke up. He mouthed a silent apology to her, her unknown husband and his future (nonexistent) wife.

Then, he looked at the pocket knife again. If he left her with the knife, he might well put himself in serious danger, as he could not be sure whether she was a good person. However, if he attempted to hide it, the girl would know that he had undressed her. Kasem's face burned at that thought. Surely she would not mangle the person who had just saved her life? But he could not be sure. On the other hand, if he took her knife, he could ensure his own safety.

Finally deciding that he wanted to avoid possible troubles, he stuffed her knife in one of his trouser pockets and looked outside. It would take a long time for the storm to pass, so he crossed his arms and sat down. It did not take him long to doze off, as he had been working for nearly a day.

His dream was filled with pleasant images, with a foreign, beautiful girl hugging him and promising to be with him forever. Kasem embraced her, bubbling with bliss, not quite believing that the girl would stay with a poor fisherman like him.

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Kasem slept through the distant roars of thunder. However, he jerked awake at the slightest sound of movement, just in time to avoid a punch to his face.

Kasem's eyes widened, only to be met with piercing amber. The girl he had saved earlier – the object of his dream – was staring straight at him, eyes blazing with unreadable emotions. He could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He had accidentally fallen asleep and dropped his guard.

"Give me my knife." She said brusquely.

Kasem blinked. She was speaking a language that he was familiar with – not of Lan Na, but of a certain nation in the south. Definitely a foreign girl, he concluded.

"No," was his quick rejoinder. "I value my life, thank you."

The girl quirked her eyebrows. Before Kasem could stand up and defend himself, she sprung herself forwards to tackle Kasem to the ground. At a moment's notice, he rolled over, gripped her wrist and pulled her forward, sending her careen into the rock-hard bottom.

She moaned. Her pained utterance snapped him out of his drowsy stupor and Kasem instantaneously realized that he had just inadvertently hurt a girl.

"Oh God." He blurted out. "I'm really sorry. That was just self-defen-"

Whatever he had to say was heckled by a sudden spasm of hot and excruciating pain lancing through his face. Kasem lost his eyesight for a moment, his ambience turning white as he toppled over and hit his head.

"Ouch." Kasem clutched his head in pain. The place on his head that collided with the rocks was probably bleeding. It took him one second to realize that the girl had faked her moan to drop his guard and attack him. "That's an unfair move."

"Serves you right." The girl murmured lowly, feeling smug about her unexpected blow. She got up and walked toward Kasem.

Through his haze, he barely recognized that the girl's hands were roaming all over his body in search of the regal knife. Kasem's face went white. Oh great. He was going to be stabbed to death.

"Where am I?" The girl asked nonchalantly while taking out her knife.

"What?" Kasem rasped hoarsely, surprised that she had not removed certain appendages of his body yet. He quickly got up using his elbows and shifted away from her. Multicolored dots blotted his sight, hindering him from seeing anything clearly.

"Where am I?" She repeated. "I must have passed out and drifted along the river. Where am I?"

His head was puzzling. Why was she questioning her whereabouts with such equanimity? She had just been drowned. Some people would be too panicked over that to care about anything else. Then again, this girl was the same person that easily crippled a guy after waking up.

Kasem racked his brains for the answer. He needed to buy time while he was unable to defend himself.

"Near the capital." Kasem blinked repeatedly, trying to regain his normal vision. "We are near the capital."

"Of Thonburi?" She asked.

"Lan Na." He shook his head and felt blood flow down on his forehead.

"Lan Na? How come-"

Before the girl finished the question, Kasem heard an abrupt clang. It was the unmistakable sound of the pocket knife hitting the rocks. The sound alerted him that his chance had come, yet, given his temporarily impaired vision, he could not act promptly. His mind swirled and swirled and swirled, making it harder to think clearly. Kasem cursed himself. He had to get the knife, yet his body could not move.

When his eyesight slowly returned to normal seconds later, he steeled himself for battle. However, he soon realized that the girl had not made any effort to move. She was standing still and scrutinizing him, eyes tingling with vibrant emotions for the first time. The pocket knife lay beside her right foot, forgotten.

Kasem stared at her in confusion.

"You are… bleeding." The girl said in disbelief.

"Well, yes." Kasem murmured sarcastically. "That hit was rather hard, considering that we are total strangers and I just saved your life out there."

The girl opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it. Kasem eyed the girl for any sudden movement, but it seemed that she was too lost in her own emotions to take action. There was something in her eyes that flickered and shone brightly and disappeared as fast as it came. A grisly shadow, a gossamer illusion, a delicate, tenuous, sprawling fragment of sentiment. The girl peered at him, not bothering to vocalize her thoughts. The passage of time seemed to be ground to a halt, and silence ballooned between them.

Kasem squirmed under her intense stare. The last time he recalled, his bleeding did not elicit such anomalous reaction from anyone. Strange, as if the girl had expected him not to be wounded after such a strong collision.

Outside, a flash of lightning splintered the sky and illuminated the cave in a brief second. Thunders roared from distant lands, startling both of them.

The girl blinked, once, twice, then shook her head. The pool of emotions which sprawled into a rattling ocean earlier quickly coalesced into a drop of collectedness. Whatever was there, she had dismissed it.

The girl wordlessly staggered towards him, forgetting about the knife entirely. Kasem covered his head in caution and watched her every step, wondering if she was going to attack him again without the knife. However, she apparently became more benevolent. Tearing off a part of her robe, she meticulously wrapped it around his wound.

"Huh." Kasem said dumbly. The girl did not reply.

Nonetheless, he accepted the unexpected goodwill without question. What other option did he have? He could hardly fight – his wounded head had put him at a severe disadvantage.

Rain continued to teem down in an unmitigated deluge, and the storm winds coiled and writhed and howled in a sorrowful rhythm. Yet, none of them uttered a single word. Feeling the girl's soft, nimble fingers on his head, Kasem felt an odd sensation flutter under his skin despite his initial fear and wariness. He had never been this close to a girl before. And the girl in front of him, now that he had had the opportunity to look at her up close, was rather pretty. Her skin was pale and spotless, and her pellucid-amber eyes were as translucent as the dawn. Was she the same girl that blithely beat him up just a moment ago?

Kasem dropped his gaze. It was not decent to peer at somebody.

A moment of pregnant silence passed, before the girl whispered ruefully:

"I'm sorry."

This time, she was speaking the language of Lan Na instead of the other one. Kasem looked up, surprised by her bilingual ability. The girl pulled away and gave him a hollow, vacant look. Perhaps she had been thinking about how to act in this bizarre situation for a while.

"It's… alright." Since the girl had switched to Lan Na, he figured that he could, too. "I was the one at fault, after all. I … took your knife and refused to give it back. Everything just kinda spiraled out of control. I don't blame you."

"No, I should have expressed gratitude instead of injuring you." The girl said quietly. "You saved me and found a shelter for me even though I was a stranger. I was not aware of that."

Kasem fell silent. He could not think of anything suitable to say. The girl had undergone an unexpected change of attitude for some strange reason.

"Well, I'm sorry anyways. I only… found out about the knife because you were shivering and I was afraid you would catch a cold."

"I understand." The girl closed her eyes. She seemed to be overwhelmed by raw emotions again, yet Kasem could not discern what those emotions are.

"Thank you for saving me." She continued. "What's your name?"

"Kasem. But you can call me Yai; it's my nickname." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm a fisherman. My village is near here."

"Kasem." She smiled politely. "I am Lien, a merchant from Dai Viet. You know Dai Viet, right?"

"No…" He said awkwardly. Maybe he had heard of this name before losing his memory, but in his village, there was no book, and most people were somewhat parochial.

"Oh." The girl said. Did she just sound disappointed? "Well, it's okay. Dai Viet is a nation in the east and is pretty far from here. You have to get past a few eastern countries to get there."

A far eastern nation? It made sense that he did not know Dai Viet. Kasem had peregrinated about Lan Na and a certain country in the south a few times – mainly to seek his true identity – but had never gone eastwards.

But she came from Dai Viet, not from the country with the language that she initially spoke to him. It meant that she may not be just a bilingual – she could speak at least three different languages. It was rather impressive, considering her young age.

"Sorry, I am not too familiar with other countries." He replied sheepishly. "So… What happened to you? I found you out there, drowning. I can help you if you want."

The girl – no, Lien – was silent for a minute. Her eyes darted upwards as she recalled everything in her mind.

"I was on my way to Luang Prabang, you know, another eastern nation, when some robbers waylaid my carriage. They divested me of my belongings and planned to sell me to a rich landlord, but I managed to escape. When they almost caught me, I fell into the river." Lien recounted quietly.

Kasem frowned at the story. Poor girl. However, he also caught the unspoken part. Lien did not mention other people travelling with her – she was travelling alone.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It must have been hard on you. Why didn't you travel with someone you trust? Your family, your business partners, your … husband?" He tentatively asked.

"I have no one. No family, no friend. I don't even know my parents."

The immediate, blunt answer made Kasem almost choke. Lien looked blithe, but she was eying him carefully, looking for the slightest hints of reaction. Maybe she was silently daring him to take pity on her.

"I'm sorry." He said, wondering what he should say next. If he expressed his sentiments, Lien may mistake his feeling for pity and take offense. "I don't know my parents either."

Lien looked at him with a surprisingly calm, steady gaze.

"You don't either?"

"Yeah." He scratched his head. "Three years ago, my mother – my current mother – discovered me on the bank of the Ping river. I was… covered in blood and wounds, according to her. When I woke up, she found out that I had lost my memory as well."

"Oh," was all Lien said. She looked away, seeming lost in thought.

"So… well," he trailed off. "Before my mother discovered me, she lived alone. She had lost both her husband and her son in the war. So I think she can understand your tribulations and help you out in this dire situation. Do you want to meet my mother? We would be willing to help you get home."

Lien tilted her head to one side. She thought about the offer for a few seconds before nodding.

"Thanks. I'll return the favor the next time I'm here."

Kasem smiled, relieved that he was able to help her a little bit. "Glad I can help."

"So…" Lien turned her head to the wall of raindrops that confined their cave. "I guess we can wait until later. The storm will not go away soon."

Kasem glanced at the interminable torrent of raindrops and listened to the hollow cries of the winds. Having experienced storms on a monthly basis, he knew when the storm would pass. They were probably going to stay the night in the cavern.

"We may have to sleep here."

Lien cast a glance at him. Apparently, she had become charier of Kasem after the knife incident. "Don't touch me this time. If I find out, I will not forgive you."

Kasem's face immediately shot past pink and closer to red. He threw his hands in the air. "Don't worry, I won't. I promise."

Lien's lips curled into a half smile for the first time.

That night, they chatted for hours on ends before going to sleep. Kasem talked about his favorite food, favorite people, favorite places and his village. He babbled on about his little adventures and his dream, proclaiming that he would one day realize a competent life and make his mother proud. Lien listened to him without asking any further question. In return, she talked about her love of travel, her life without somebody to hold on to, her summers in the north of Dai Viet and her winters in the south. Apparently, her country was currently split into two unofficial states – Dang Ngoai in the north, Dang Trong in the south – and she travelled often between them, despite being born in the north.

"The disparity between northern and southern people has become so conspicuous that it's saddening. It's not good for commerce." She smiled sadly. "I actually bought this outfit in the south. It is not available in the north."

"This robe?" He was interested. "It looks interesting. I've never seen any outfit like it."

"It's not a 'robe'." Lien corrected him. "In the south, they call it 'ao dai'. It means 'long garment'."

At some point, they both became too sleepy to continue talking and went on to sleep. Kasem kept his promise, falling asleep as soon as the girl dozed off.

His dream was filled with the very same person that night. However, Lien did not embrace him this time. She was riding a horse and giving him a wide berth, amber eyes smoldering. Her hair, her hands and her shirt were blemished by blood. She was crying.

"Ayutthaya." She sobbed. "Ayutthaya."

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Kasem was jolted awake by the high notes of bird song in the morning. Sunshine glazed his eyes and the smell of rain and earth infiltrated his olfactory sense. He yawned and gazed out across the verdant field outside, pleasantly noting that the storm had passed.

"Now that you have woken up, let's go." Lien said suddenly from behind.

"Alright." Kasem smiled.

"Put on your shirt first, though."

Kasem laughed.

They pushed the fishing boat onto the water, and Kasem insisted that Lien let him steer the oars. Outside, sunlight beat down on the tropical forest and drowned everything in a torrid heat. Birds chimed in accord, and the flora and fauna swanked their majestic kaleidoscope of colors. The storm was a catastrophe to humans, but an angel's gift to nature, breathing new life into wilting flowers and droopy animals. It was a typical day in Lan Na.

Lien sat behind him and made no comment about the weather. Kasem found it apt to turn around and opine:

"Beautiful day, isn't it?"

He only intended to start a conversation. However, when Lien's lips slowly curved into a brilliant smile and her amber eyes glimmered with mirth for the first time, he suddenly forgot how to breathe.

He had seen girls in his village smile like that, yet, none of their smiles was more beautiful than hers.

He blinked, then turned his back to her and continued rowing. Kasem could technically feel heat gathering across his face and neck. As his heart hammered loudly in his chest and and a fervent fire spread through his body, he closed his eyes and inhaled a sharp intake of air. It was a very familiar sensation, but he could not discern what it was.

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End of chapter 1.

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Author's note:

This fic will feature tidbits of information about historical events in Thailand and Vietnam, but I made sure that you would still get the flow of the story even if you were not familiar with the history of mainland South-east Asia. Nonetheless, in case you're interested, here is some historical background.

 *** Vietnam (or rather, Dai Viet), year 1770:**

During this period, Vietnam was split into two warring states: Đàng Ngoài (Bắc Hà/Tonkin) in the north and Đàng Trong (Nam Hà/Cochinchina) in the south. The north was ruled by the Trịnh lords; the South by the Nguyễn lords. On paper, Dai Viet was still considered one nation under the rule of Lê Dynasty, and both Nguyễn lords and Trịnh lords claimed that they fought on behalf of the Lê Emperor. However, in reality, Dai Viet was embroiled in a civil war.

 *** Thailand, year 1770:**

In the first half of the eighteenth century, there was no "Thailand". There were only two kingdoms centered in present-day Thailand: Lan Na in the north and Ayutthaya in the south. While Lan Na was a tributary state to Burma, Ayutthaya was an independent nation which was constantly under threat from Burmese invasion. In 1767, the Burmese sent troops into Ayutthaya and brought the Ayutthaya Kingdom to ruin. Afterwards, a new country was built upon the old foundation of Ayutthaya and called Thonburi Kingdom.

So basically, the story will feature:

– Lan Na: Thai kingdom in the north.

– Ayutthaya: The destroyed Thai kingdom in the south. Thonburi: Ayutthaya's succeeding state. Ayutthaya and Thonburi share the same main language.

The story takes place in Lan Na (the kingdom in the north and under the Burmese rule) around the given period, after Ayutthaya has been obliterated and Thonburi has been established.

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 _* Trivia:_

 _Chao Phraya is a major river in Thailand, and the Ping river is one of its two main tributaries._

 _About Kasem's name: From what I have read, Thailand and Vietnam's naming customs seem to differ significantly._

 _– While we Vietnamese have had family names for thousands of years, Thailand only required Thai citizens to have last names in 1913. Before then, most Thais used only a first or individual name. They also use nicknames to refer to each other, but I am not so sure if the use of nickname persists even after a person has matured._

 _– In Thailand, people with shared family name are most likely to be related (as Thai last names tend to be long and unique) while in Vietnam, you can meet many people with the last name Nguyen (Nguyễn) or Tran (Trần) who are not related to each other. In my old high school class, about 70 percent of students have Nguyễn as our last name._

 _Dai Viet was Vietnam's official name from 1054 to 1400, and from 1428 to 1804._

 _Luang Prabang (1707–1949) was one of the three Laotian kingdoms (Vientiane, Luang Prabang, Champasak) that bordered Lan Na on the east in 1770. It was also a Burmese vassal at that time._

 _Lien's statement: "I actually bought this outfit in the south. It is not available in the north."_

 _We all know that Lien's outfit here is ao dai (áo dài). The origin of this national costume dates back to the Trinh – Nguyen war (1627-1775). In the eighteenth century, ao dai was created in Dang Trong (the south), and lord Nguyen Phuc Khoat made both all members of his court wear this outfit to distinguish themselves from the court in the North (Dang Ngoai). The design of ao dai in 1770 was somewhat different from Vietnam's ao dai now, though._


	2. Gloomy Prescience

Kasem was a happy-go-lucky, carefree individual – the kind of person that would be easy to figure out at first sight. He happily helped his villagers with menial chores and did not hesitate in providing passing mendicants with alms. At home, he always talked to his mother before and after work to make her feel less lonely. He was the type of person who would not let anyone down. His smile was contagious, and his friendly manner could drop even the wariest person's guard.

Everyone was on good terms with him. Parents nodded at him when he waied to greeted them, and he could hear their whispering to their daughters: he could be an asset if he was married into their house. Girls fawned over him, not only for his amicable demeanor but also for his physical strength. He was tall, full-bodied, and seemed to have a flair for fighting. Once, he had gotten into a fight with a criminal who tried to steal money from a feeble woman. Not only was he able to annihilate the felon in battle, he also managed to get out of the fight without any bruise.

His mother told him that he could be a soldier before he lost his memory. When she found him, his body was covered in unhealed bruises and wounds, with no weapon attached to his body. His clothes, consisted of a plain, tattered shirt and a smeared sampot chang kben, did not suggest royal origin. However, he was unusually adept at martial arts. He had forgotten most basic knowledge, yet, his reflexes were fast and his eyes appeared to have been trained to such an extent that he could predict any incoming attack from his opponent.

"You are like a lesser version of Nai Khanom Tom." One merchant had said jokingly after seeing his fight with the criminal.

"Who is he?" He had asked, curious.

"Oh, he is an Ayutthayan legend." The merchant's eyes twinkled, seeming pleased that he was privy to an interesting story. "A famous fighter, with incredible strength, discipline and skills. Young man, have you heard of Ayutthaya?"

Kasem's eyebrows rose in confusion. "I'm sorry, but I haven't."

"You have a lot to learn." The man sighed. "The Kingdom of Ayutthaya is – was – used to be a nation that bordered Lan Na to the south. Before it was involved in warfare, we traders were used to travelling there. It was not always stable – civil wars made it tumultuous and dangerous at times – but commerce was nice." A pause. "Then the Burmese came. Burma, our country's dominant state and Ayutthaya's 'friendly' neighbor, invaded Ayutthaya and brought the kingdom to ruin. It's to be expected, really – internal conflicts had been weakening Ayutthaya for years. After that, King Taksin, former governor of Ayutthaya, established the Kingdom of Thonburi in place of the old Ayutthaya, and Thonburi became our southward neighbor now."

"Oh." Kasem murmured. He had heard of the Thonburi Kingdom. It was a newborn nation that bordered Lan La on the south and was independent of the Burmese, unlike Lan Na. Itinerant traders who ventured into the south often came to his village with unpleasant anecdotes about the Southern country, carping about the political instability of the nascent nation and comparing it with the abject conditions of Lan Na under Burmese rule.

"Speaking of that, has anyone ever thought you might be from Ayutthaya? Say, did your mother discover you two years ago?" The merchant frowned. "Ayutthaya also fell two years ago. I don't know how you ended up in this remote village in Lan Na, but maybe you were a captive prisoner of war."

Kasem blinked in surprise. The thought of coming from another country had never crossed his mind. But maybe it was why he could not speak the language of Lan Na after he had lost his memory – not because he had lost all of his memory, but because he had been a foreigner – an Ayutthayan – from the start.

"That might be a possibility. Thank you, Mr. Gamon." He said gratefully.

"You're welcome. Try to find your identity – your real family at home may be worried sick about you." Gamon said. "Though do not leave your mother alone here when you manage to do so. I will not forgive you."

Kasem smiled meekly. "I won't."

The merchant's suggestion had kindled his interest in finding his real identity and urged him to travel more to Thonburi. However, his constrained financial situation hardly afforded such trips, and he could only pilgrimage twice a year. Both of his trips during last year were futile, despite his attempts to learn Thonburi's language and make connections with a plethora of Ayutthayan people who served in the Burmese-Siamese war two years ago. Not many people survived from the brutal Burmese invasion, since as soon as Burmese troops entered Ayutthaya, they completely obliterated the capital. It was likely that Kasem's parents and comrades had died in the attack.

Kasem did not let that possibility deter him from trying. After two unsuccessful attempts, he continued to work excessively to save money for the third trip and for his mother at home. Shortly before making his third endeavor, Kasem found Lien.

Lien had initially spoke to him in the language of Thonburi, so Kasem had assumed that she was also from there. However, upon discovering that she was from Dai Viet, he was surprised. The fact that she had chosen the language of Thonburi instead of that of Lan Na to converse with him baffled Kasem. It was as if she assumed he was from Thonburi right away, rather than thinking he could be from Lan Na.

The thought did not linger long inside his head, as he was busy dealing with his mother's and his villagers' reactions after coming home with Lien.

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His mother had been surprised to meet Lien.

It was not every day that she got to see a foreigner. However, seeing Lien's polite manner, his mother warmed up to her immediately and offered her a change of clothes. At first, Lien had been reluctant, but his mother insisted that it would take a few days for the young girl to go home and she should wear Khon Muang clothes during those days, so Lien obliged in the end. Seeing Lien in a suea pat and a sinh made Kasem smile, but he made no comment as she seemed to be uncomfortable wearing a dress.

"I can hardly defend myself when I wear a dress." Lien complained.

He wondered if it was the reason why she wore pants in the first place. Not because it was her country's traditional set of clothing for women, but because it was comfortable for an itinerant, lone traders like her.

Rumor spread around his village like fire the day he brought her home. People knew that they had spent the night together in the cave, according to his mother, and seemed unconvinced that nothing happened between them. "A man and a woman in a cavern for a whole night!" He heard people say when he went to work the next day and had to fight a blush from forming on his face. Girls glanced at Lien when she passed by them and guys openly ogled her the day she went to the village's market to buy his mother food (he certainly did not feel a twinge of jealousy when they did that). Eventually, the rumor died out, and the last time Kasem heard about him and her was when he came home from work the second day.

"Well, at least she is rather pretty. I bet Yai's mother would be happy with a daughter-in-law like that."

Hell, even he would be happy. But Lien was a foreigner – he doubted she would be content with marrying him. He was not even sure whether she liked him or not. Probably not, considering how awkward their first encounter was. He had a lot of things to fix about their current relationship status, if he wanted to make the feeling mutual.

He came home earlier than normal that day. When he reached home, he was about to come through the threshold when he heard Lien's soft voice:

"So you found Kasem three years ago?"

Kasem stopped walking. Lien was talking about him. Feeling curious, he stealthily peered through a long opening on the hut and realized that the girl and his mother were immersed in conversation while cooking. The delicious smell of spices and herbs wafted from inside the hut and made Kasem's stomach grumble.

"I did. Poor boy, he was heavily wounded. I thought he was already dead."

"What clothes did he wear? Did he have anything that might suggest his identity?" Lien sounded concerned. "I have travelled around several countries around here. Maybe I can recognize something."

"Really? You can?" His mother beamed. She stood up and made a beeline toward the left corner of the hut. "Let me find them."

Lien leaned against the wall. Kasem turned around and crossed his arms, watching the sun linger on an apex of distant mountains. It was twilight. The apex was drenched in a rosy glow as the sun was about to complete its tour, and a vast expanse of brandeis blue enveloped the sky that hung above his village. A group of children ran past him, giggling and chortling as their mother called out endearingly: "Dinner!" A newly married couple made their way past him and he politely greeted them in silence. The village's warmth and tranquility always relaxed him after a long day of work. He did not know why, but he had a feeling that before he lost his memory, peace was a rarity.

His mind wandered to Ayutthaya. He still remembered what the merchant said about the Burmese-Siamese war that took place three years ago. If he was truly an Ayutthayan soldier, then peace would indeed be something precious to him. After all, he had experienced war. He could not help but wonder how he had felt when he marched with his army on the battle field. War was brutal, cold and devoid of humanity – a world-weary veteran once told him. In warfare, humans lost their kindness, compassion, morality – they became savage beasts that rejoiced at the sight of blood.

How did it feel to be a monster?

His mother's footsteps snapped Kasem out of his stupor of thinking. He looked through the long crevice and noted that she had returned with his old clothes on her hands.

"Here, take a look." She showed Lien the plain-vanilla, ragged white shirt and the threadbare sampot.

Lien shifted closer. Kasem held his breath and watched carefully, but he could only see the back of Lien's head and his mother's anticipating expression. She appeared to be scrutinizing the clothes as her nimble fingers splayed onto the fabric, tenderly touching blood stains and tears. His mother had tried to wash the blood off his shirt completely when he was still unconscious, but her efforts proved vain. Blood clung onto his shirt like a devilish witch's curse, treacherous and gleaming. Perhaps it was an unwanted gift from the battlefield, an unfriendly reminder of the monster he used to be.

After a few seconds, Lien spoke again.

"These clothes do not reveal anything. I'm sorry." She paused, letting the words sink in. "They can be found in the Khmer Empire, Thonburi, Ayutthaya… and even here in Lan Na. Again, I'm sorry."

Kasem could feel anticipation drain from his body. He heard his mother's sigh.

"It's okay. I already know that it's hopeless." His mother said. "Yai's clothes can indeed be found here. I did not even think he could be from a foreign country before Gamon told him that he was likely to be an Ayutthayan soldier."

"That could be a possibility." Lien touched his mother's hand in a comforting gesture. "I come to Thonburi often to exchange goods, so I have connections there. I could help him by contacting some Ayutthayan veterans."

"Thank you." His mother closed her eyes and squeezed Lien's hand. "You are a good person, child. Thank you."

"You are welcome, madam." Lien inclined her head.

Kasem sighed. So the conversation was over, without any tidbit of information revealed. Just before stepping into the hut, he heard Lien's voice again.

"Can I ask you one more question?"

He halted his footstep.

"Sure."

"Did you name him Kasem?"

It was an odd, out-of-place question. Kasem felt something cold and familiar settle at the crux of his stomach.

"No, it was his real name. I think. When he woke up, I asked him a bunch of questions. 'Kasem' was the only thing he remembered about himself."

"Did he mention anything else? Like… Ayutthaya?"

"No."

"Oh."

Before either his mother or Lien said anything, Kasem walked through the entrance. His presence alerted them, and they both turned their heads toward him.

"Good evenning, mother, Lien." He pressed his palms together and bowed. His mother nodded, and Lien blinked, staring at him.

"Welcome home, dear." His mother smiled. "Why don't you join us? The meal is almost ready."

"Good evening, Kasem." Lien replied monotonously, and their eyes locked in a silent understanding.

Time froze over a a split second. Kasem stared into two pools of opaque, mystifying amber and wondered if he could ever catch a glimpse into their thousands of secrets. The familiar, enchanted feeling thudded inside him and gnawed at his heart. He was bewitched, frozen under a powerful ancient spell. A flicker of amber found its way through the foggy shadow in the back of his mind, danced inside his head and splintered the opaque, unbreakable glass.

Realization dawned on him. The sensations he felt the other day and now both felt sickly familiar because he had experienced them before. He had experienced them before… with her. He could not be wrong. Suddenly everything made sense. His dreams, his unexpected feeling, her strange reaction the other day, her odd question just now. She had initially spoken to him in the language of Thonburi, because she knew he was from Ayutthaya. She had behaved strangely in the cave after his outburst, because he had forgotten her. She had asked that strange question, because she caught the connection between 'Kasem' and his old identity. He had dreamt of her, because his dreams were his remnant memories. He had felt attracted to her after just one day, because he had felt this way toward her before.

She remembered him. He did not remember her. She could be the key to his memories, to his past, to his identity. He gulped. A voice automatically came from his mouth, foreign and forced.

"I will." He looked back at his mother and averted her gaze. "Thank you, mom."

He could feel her stare burn into his skull as he joined their conversation for the rest of the evening.

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About half an hour after his mother had fallen asleep, Kasem heard a small rustle. He remained still but lifted one eyelid in caution. His bed lay next to the hut's entrance and enabled him to observe every movement in his house. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lien creep out of her compartment and head toward the door. After the sound of her footsteps faded away, he briefly wondered if he should follow her and risk being called a creep.

He got up, careful not to make any sound, and went out of his hut. The engulfing darkness made it hard for him to find her, but with the help of moonlight, he spotted Lien beside the bank of the Ping river. He beelined toward her.

When he was only mere steps away, he heard Lien say:

"You are too obvious, Kasem."

Kasem frowned. She was turning her back on him. He had tried to be as quiet as possible, so how could she hear his movement?

"I-" He inhaled deeply. "I know you know something about me."

"Took you long enough to realize that."

Lien turned around. Moonlight cast a warm glow on her back and drenched the rest of her body in absolute darkness. Her tresses of hair tumbled over her shoulder, and amber eyes glinted with indescribable emotions.

"Am I… indeed from Ayutthaya?"

"You are." A quick answer.

"Who am I?"

This time, she did not reply right away. The wind rustled past them and swirled in an invisible dance. Far away, stars twinkled against the jet-black, velour-like canopy and cast a dazzling reflection on the river's surface.

"I am glad that you are able to lead a peaceful life here." Lien said suddenly, veering away from his question. "I am sincerely glad for you."

Kasem opened his mouth, but no sensible answer seemed to come out.

"So it was not exactly peaceful in my past life?"

"You told me once that you would trade anything for your peace of mind." She stared into his eyes as a small smile ghosted over her lips. "Tell me. Do you really want to know the truth? Once you do, you will not be able to turn back."

Kasem's mouth went dry. Of course he wanted to know the truth. It was the small voice in head that nagged him incessantly and haunted his dreams during the past three years. He had always assumed that he wanted – needed – to know his real identity. But somehow, Lien's expression made him doubt his seemingly inevitable choice.

He took a step back. He thought about his village. He thought about mornings that were filled with laughter and warmth and conversations, with the tang of fishes and smoke gracing the air, about noons when he went fishing with his peers and got soaked in water and sweat and sunburns, about evenings when he got home and ate rice with his mother while chatting nonsensically. Serenity had been integrated so deeply into his life that he sometimes did not spare it a thought.

When he first brought her to his village, there had been times when Lien stared at him for a long time and said nothing. He caught her gazes when he chatted with a couple of young girls, when he prated on about fishes with his fellow workers, or when he talked with his mother about his mundane day events. It had never occurred to him that she was silently analyzing his life. Maybe she had been with him in the past – through hardships and tribulations – enough to understand how precious his current peaceful life was.

But she did not see through his veneer of contentment. She did not see him when he stayed awake at the dead of night and wondered what had happened to him and his real family. She did not see him when he crouched by the river bank, watching the lonely sun settle into mountains and feeling his identity shatter like fragile foam. She did not see him when he drowned himself in his streams of thought and his self-image became unreal, empty, volatile and reality blurred into a blank canvas. She did not see him when he was overcome with a desire to do something, something he was obliged to, yet he could not remember what it was. He was grateful and happy for his current life, but he was not contented and fulfilled. A small voice in the back of his head kept nagging him about his duty, his responsibility, his identity, his core, his meaning.

He longed to know who he had been, who he was, and what he was supposed to do.

"I want to know the truth." Kasem licked his lips. "Tell me."

Amber eyes glimmered.

"Promise me you won't regret your decision. This will be your last chance."

"I never regret my decision." He said resolutely. He had made up his mind.

Lien sighed. She turned her back to him, again, and murmured lowly 'you don't change, do you'. It did not escape his ear.

"Kasem." She spoke slowly. "Your name is indeed Kasem."

She took steps toward the river. Faint wind brushed against the river's surface, rattling the encompassing blackness and the refection of the stars. Kasem remained still, but he could hear every single palpitation of his heart.

"But you also have other names." She trailed off. Then she spoke again. "Your people call you Krung Tai. My people call you Xiem La. Indians call you Ayudhya."

Lien's step halted. She turned around, facing him again. "But you are known mainly as the personification of the Kingdom of Ayutthaya." Her lips twitched. "Or in short, you are a country. So am I. I am Lien, the personification of Dai Viet."

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"I am a country." Kasem murmured numbly. The revelation still did not register in his brain. Lien's amber eyes bore into him, making him comfortable.

"Still don't believe me?" Lien said drolly. "Must be crazy, isn't it? The girl who you happened to save two days ago claiming that she knew you and that you were a country."

"I-" He snapped his mouth shut and sifted through his trains of thought to find the right words. "I don't think you are crazy. I just- cannot imagine it. How can a mere mortal like me be the personification of a country?"

Lien sighed. She seemed to recall the whole story as she tilted her head and gazed out across the dark firmament. Kasem wished he knew what she was thinking.

"What you said is true. You are a mortal, but only for the time being. Apparently, a series of certain events had weakened you, turning you into a temporary human and wiping away your memory."

Kasem stared at her. Everything still seemed like a faux to him. Hundreds of questions buzzed inside his mind, demanding for reasonable answers.

"How can I trust you?" He blurted out.

"You don't trust me?" She still did not look at him.

"I don't trust things that have not been proven. The existence of countries, for example."

Lien's gaze went back to him. Her expression was a mixture of grim determination and waywardness, but Kasem remained unaffected. Seeing that he would not be convinced with her resolve alone, she reached for the upper edge of his mother's tube skirt and pulled out her carefully-hidden knife. Somehow, it did not surprise him that she had managed to find a way to hide her pocket knife while wearing another person's outfit.

"This should be enough proof for you."

Lien opened the sharp metal blade and locked it into a fully opened position with equanimity. The ease with which she utilized the knife suggested that she had used it several times, and that thought sent a shiver down his spine. He eyed the exquisite, foldable knife, and pondered how it was going to prove that he was a country.

"This is going to be a bit shocking." Lien instructed. "Do not react. Do nothing at all. Just watch."

Before he could say anything, she plunged the knife deep into her left hand in a swift movement. Kasem's mouth dropped as she immediately removed the foldable knife. Blood gushed out from her new wound, poured down on her hand and dripped onto the ground. She held her hand out, careful not to smear her dress and shirt with the red liquid, and looked at the injury as if it was a mere scratch.

Blood drained from Kasem's face in accord with the flow of blood on her wound, and goose bumps took over his skin. Despite his worry, he snapped his mouth shut, determined not to make any remark.

"Do you have a handkerchief?"

Kasem shook his head. "I can get it for you."

"No need."

Lien rolled her eyes and rubbed her wound against her right hand. Then she showed him her self-inflicted injury again.

Without the blood covering the place where her wound had been, her left hand was stainless, showing no trace of injury. The cut had disappeared completely.

He frowned, not believing his very eyes. "How come?"

"We countries have immense powers." Lien said cavalierly and shook her wrist to get rid of the remaining blood. "This is one of them. A country's body can mend itself without the intervention of any drugs. No ailment can reach us, and no injury can bring us down."

Concern overcame Kasem. He was convinced, but worried. He eyed her small wrist and visible hand veins, and winced at how fragile her hand seemed. Yet she acted as if that injury did not have any effect on her at all.

"Was it painful?"

Lien's eyes widened. "I just convinced you that I had an unusual ability, and the only thing you care about is whether it hurt?" She said incredulously.

"It looked pretty bad." He murmured.

A smile curved her lips as she shook her head. "I've dealt with more severe injuries. This is nothing."

"That's… good." He could not decide whether the fact that Lien had gotten used to excruciating wounds like that was good or bad. Lien was lithe but sinewy, restive and full of energy. She was not the typical fragile lady that would agonize over affliction for ages.

Nonetheless, the thought that she had suffered pain for countless times made Kasem uneasy and got his protective streak all worked up. He chose not to mention it – knowing Lien, she would probably take umbrage and feel that he was treating her like a china doll.

"Our existence is directly linked to the condition of our country. If we are badly wounded, our country will be affected. On the other end of the spectrum, if our country falls apart, we will be weakened." Lien continued to talk. "Once a country ceases to exist, the personification of that country will die eventually."

"Did your wound just now affect your country?"

"No, it was just a minor one."

"This is crazy." He murmured. "Absolutely crazy."

"You clearly haven't seen the craziest parts." Lien retorted.

"So- uhm." Kasem stuttered. Everything was still so strange to him.

"So I guess you believe me now?"

"Yeah." He sighed. After all, the most unbelievable part has been proven. What could he say? "So you said I was the fallen Ayutthaya, I believe? You also said that the personification would die when his or her country fall. So why am I not dead yet?"

"Normally, it would take a few years for the personification to die after the fall of his or her country." Seeing Kasem's sudden worry, she immediately added. "However, I don't think you would. You know the Kingdom of Thonburi – Lan Na's neighbor in the south?"

Kasem nodded.

"It was established by King Taksin, a former governor in Ayutthaya's court, and is widely considered the succeeding state of Ayutthaya. In this case, I could say that Ayutthaya has been revived. That is probably why you are still standing here instead of rotting to death somewhere, even though you have been weakened significantly."

"So in the past, I was Ayutthaya… and now, I am Thonburi?"

"I'm certain of that. It makes perfect sense: Thonburi has been founded for years, yet its personification has never appeared. There are rumors that the personification of Thonburi is actually the old Ayutthaya, but up until now, you have not been found, so they still remain hearsay."

Kasem gulped. He suddenly found his situation bizarre and somewhat comedic. It was like one of many fairy tales narrated by his mother: the fisherman who wore threadbare clothes and worked non-stop and could only dream of a meager living actually turned out to be an important immortal. Maybe in the past, he even enjoyed an extravagant life in the palace, eating dainty dishes and wearing finery and being surrounded by gold every day.

New information was flooding inside his brain, and he was hungry for more.

"What happened to the personification of Ayutthaya? I mean, me? How did I end up here, when Ayutthaya is so far away?"

"I heard through the grapevine that when Burmese troops marched into Ayutthaya, they captured you and secretly sent you to Burma through Lan Na. However, the group that accompanied you were ambushed by robbers and almost all of them were killed, including… you. Only a Burmese survived, and he reported back to Burma that you died in the ambush."

"But I survived."

"It's a miracle. Everyone thought you were dead." Lien sighed.

"So now all I have to do is get back to Thonburi and convince the King that I am his country's personification?"

"You don't have to convince him; he will recognize you as he used to work in the Ayutthayan court. The existence of a personificated country is usually only known among royal families, so the average civilian will not know you but King Taksin will know."

"I see." Kasem raised his eyebrows. It was why the veterans he met in Thonburi did not recognize him as their country. However, that also meant that he had to figure out a way to get into the palace and meet King Taksin in person. "So now it's of great importance that I get back to Thonburi?"

Lien's lips thinned. "You could say so."

"So I'll have to get to Thonburi this year. It just happens that I have been saving some money for the trip."

Lien did not seem pleased with that idea for some particular reason. She looked at the ground for a few seconds before meeting his eyes.

"Good. But you will not need it." Lien said coolly. "I have contacted one of my spies here. He will reach this village tomorrow before your mother wakes up and take me home. You can tag along."

Her answer left him dumbfounded. It took him one second to register that Lien had planned to leave without bothering to tell him. She had fully intended to be a guest, a stranger that would pass by his life by accident and never meet again. Had he not followed her tonight, he would not have been aware of his past identity.

"Planning to leave suddenly like that… You never wanted to tell me my secret from the start, did you?" Kasem asked, his voice aghast. "Why?"

Lien looked away.

"Lien, look at me."

She refused to lock eyes with him.

"Lien-"

"You are right; I never wanted to tell you." Lien interrupted him. "The truth will hurt. A country leads a life of atrocities and destruction. It does not suit you. It never suited you."

"What do you mean by destruction-" Kasem was taken aback.

"Kasem, you may not realize now, but being a country is not simple. But here… you are genuinely happy. This memory loss could be your only chance at happiness. You could marry a nice girl, settle for a peaceful life with your adoptive mother and have a stable job. When you become a country again, things will never be like that. It will be hell. You will be damned to hell, to perdition, to suffering. You will regret it."

Kasem's mouth went dry. He stared at her in disbelief. His mind flashed back to his train of thought about the brutality of warfare in the afternoon, and he wondered if the decline of morality was what Lien was talking about. Had his past self sunk so deeply into the mud that he wanted to forget everything? Lien said it herself: "you would trade anything for your peace of mind". Was he doing his past self a favor when he insisted on retrieving his identity?

Then he snapped at himself. He could not let doubt waver him, not in a critical moment like this. Kasem knew what he wanted. And he was confident that he knew what his past self would have wanted. His thoughts processed at light speed, and he opened his mouth.

"I am glad that you worry so much about me, but you do not know how much I want this." He said hastily. "I do not belong here, Lien. There is a small voice in my mind that keeps nagging me that I need to do something, yet I cannot recall what it is. I think my past self was trying to tell me something. He wanted me to go back to his motherland, to serve his country, his people."

Lien was silent. She listened to every word that he said without blinking.

"Isn't he a country with responsibilities?" He continued talking. "It would be selfish of me to enjoy a life on my own when my people are suffering. I want to go south. I want to see with my own eyes how my people are doing. I want to help them by every means possible."

The first time he went to Thonburi, he had not been surprised. Just like how the merchants who often came to his village said, the new nation was plagued by internal conflicts and instability. He had seen mothers and children huddling together in fear of injury, men pointing swords at their compatriots, robbers brandishing their weapons in daylight and soldiers sacking villages and towns under the aegis of their warlords. He had heard that Burmese troops still disturbed Thonburi, wrecking its floundering economy and threatening its existence. Bloodbaths were omnipresent, and he saw injustice everywhere he went. It was saddening.

The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Of course his duty had to be protecting his people. He was a country – he existed solely for the people. He would not stand and watch them suffer, now that he had realized that his existence was directly linked to theirs.

"Your people, huh." Lien crossed her arms in a defensive, feisty gesture. "You can't even feel the bond between you and them now that you are a human with no memory. And what about your mother?"

Kasem refused to back down from her challenge. "Once I've settled in Thonburi, I will bring her to the south. She will enjoy an adequate life there. And if she doesn't want to leave this village or Thonburi is too dangerous, I will send her money and hire a person to protect and take care of her every year." He paused. "And about my people? If I have not established a bond between me and my people, I will do so immediately upon reaching my homeland. I have been to Thonburi twice, Lien. I have seen their plight, their pain, their tumults, their tribulations, and I want to alleviate these afflictions. Doesn't a country exist solely for its people?"

Silence stretched between them. Endless ocean of darkness enveloped them in pastoral stillness and winds howled down the valley. Lien ran a hand through her long, dark brown hair as she got lost in thoughts.

"I am afraid that protecting your people won't be the only action that you'll have to take." Lien finally remarked, but she had softened her voice. "But forget it; you will get it eventually. For now, you are right. A country does need to be with its people. I'm sorry, again."

Kasem gave her a pointed look, but he did not question further.

"Do you have any other question?"

Kasem sighed. It had been a normal day like any others, yet to him, it felt like a century had passed by. The weight of new information had compressed down upon him, leaving him unintelligible and speechless. He was drowsy, and his head was already spinning and demanding a good sleep. There were still many other questions that troubled his mind, but he settled for tomorrow. They still had plenty of time.

Plus, a good sleep would probably calm them down. Their conversation was already putting a strain on their relationship, and he feared it would take a turn for the worse.

"No." He replied. "Let's head back and go to sleep. Your man is arriving early in the morning right? We had better save stamina for tomorrow."

Lien gave no answer, but she followed him when he turned around and made a beeline toward his hut. The walk home was silent. Moonlight set the world afire with dull silver, casting shadows over Lien and Kasem. Kasem walked with deliberate steps and stared at their well-matched shadows.

An unexpected question bobbed into his head and escaped his mouth.

"Can I ask you one last question?"

"Sure."

"What was… the relationship between us?" He hesitantly asked.

Lien flinched. For one second, she stopped walking and inclined her head. When Kasem also stopped to see if she was alright, she continued strolling.

"We are – were – acquaintances." Lien replied. She seemed reluctant to say anything go into details. "You and I sometimes met to discuss trade and problems with the Khmer Empire, so I knew a little bit about you. But that's it – we are hardly friends."

"Oh." He was a tad bit disappointed. He had expected them to be good friends (or something more, but maybe he was being unreasonable), considering that she seemed to know him.

Then Kasem remembered something he had thought of from a long time ago. He asked. "Did I – do I have a family?"

"No, countries do not have families. They are born without parents and can be found when their countries are established."

"What about their spouses? Children?"

"Countries can't have children. They are infertile." Lien said bluntly. "Spouses… I suppose yes. But you never had any wife."

Kasem felt disappointed. Prior to meeting Lien and discovering his past, he had dreamt of his true family. Maybe he had had parents who needed his care like his adoptive mother did. Maybe he had been married to a nice girl and had beautiful children who looked like replicas of their parents. It was a normal yearning: to spend all day working out in the rice field, and come home in the evening to meet and take care of his family.

But he was a country – reality slowly entered his brain as he pondered over every possibility. He probably had to carry many responsibilities and be cautious of enemies. A family would be a fatal weakness – his nemesis would take advantage of them and threaten Kasem. Once that had happened, his country would be put into jeopardy. The personification of a country should not allow himself or herself to have weaknesses.

Familial and romantic loves included.

He spared a glance at Lien. He had only known her for over two days, and yet he had already been mildly attracted to her. Maybe his past self had even fallen for Lien, but was too afraid of the consequences to confess. The scenario was possible, since Lien said that they were acquaintances and they did meet occasionally.

If it was true, it would be saddening. To love somebody who breathed the same air, stepped on the same earth, saw the same world, but remained absolutely out of reach.

How would their relationship progress from now? He felt uncomfortable with the question. If he made a move on her now, would his past self be angry at him?

The walk was soon over. When they reached his home, Lien suddenly stopped by the threshold and locked eyes with him. Her amber eyes glinted in the pale shimmer of moonlight and her lips formed a thin line. Kasem ceased walking.

"There is one thing I have yet to tell you." She murmured. Her eyebrows crunched together as she struggled with words. "This is of minor importance, but I think you should know."

Curiosity bloomed across Kasem's face as he wondered what she was going to say.

"I said we were acquaintances. It was not exactly a lie, but…"

His heart almost stopped when he realized that she was talking about their relationship. They were not exactly acquaintances? But she also stated that they were hardly friends. If so, what were they?

Suddenly, he had a feeling of where the conversation was going. He remembered how hesitant and awkward Lien had been when he asked her about the nature of a relationship. Could it be… No. It was too good to be true. A swell of warmth covered his cheeks and his brain emptied. Kasem's heart drummed violently against his ribcage as he waited for her to continue.

Seeing Kasem's expectant face, something inside Lien snapped. She steadied her nerves.

"You abhorred me."

Something died inside Kasem, and the air surrounding them visibly soured.

"What?" was all he could say. He could form no coherent thought.

"We weren't exactly civil." Her lips trembled. She looked away and walked straight into the hut.

"Wait, Lien-"

"Don't say anything." She ordered. "Remember to pack your belongings and leave your mother a letter before my man comes tomorrow. You can leave your savings here with your mother; he will carry sufficient money."

After saying that, she wordlessly entered her compartment, leaving Kasem speechless and horribly nonplussed. He made a pointed effort to sleep that night, yet, he became more and more aware of his environment with each second that ticked by. The croaks of frogs and trumpets of elephants and the high decibels of his spiraling, punch-drunk thoughts kept him wide-awake all night.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

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End of chapter 2.

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Author's note:

1\. Wai: a Thai greeting that consists of a slight bow, with the palms pressed together.

2\. Nai Khanom Tom (the Ayutthayan fighter that the merchant mentioned): He is considered "one of the greatest Muaythai hero" who brought glory to Muay Boran – the predecessor of Thailand's national combat sport known as Muay Thai today.

3\. Sampot chang kben (part of Kasem's clothes when he was found on the river): a lower-body, wrap around cloth worn in the countries of Cambodia, Laos, and Thailand.

4\. Khon Muang: Northern Thai people refer to themselves as khon mu(e)ang, meaning "people of the cultivated land" or "people of our community".

5\. Suea pat and sinh (the clothes that Lien was forced to wear *smirks*): traditional clothing of Northern Thai women.

6\. "The Khmer Empire": I was not sure how Lien should refer to the ancient Cambodia in 1770. Cambodia used to be called the Khmer Empire, but from 1431 to 1863, it entered a very dark period of decline.

7\. "Good evening, mother, Lien": I was going to let Kasem say "Sawatdikhrap", but then I realized that "Sawatdikhrap" and "Sawatdikha" were pretty recent inventions ("coined in the mid-1930s by Phraya Upakit Silapasan of Chulalongkorn University", according to Wikipedia), so I just got creative.


	3. Commence

The morning market was vibrant with colors and filled with all manner of humanity. Stalls displayed a cornucopia of goods, ranging from grains, seeds, herbs, vegetable to beautiful textiles and various tools. Peddlers shouted at the top of their lungs to advertise their merchandise; young girls chatted incessantly about trinkets and mundane life routines; children frolicked with each other while their parents chased after and scolded them and middle-aged women haggled with sellers over the price of commodities. Every way was jammed by people, so Kasem had to push his way through the crowd. Lien followed suit, her face reticent.

"Have you prepared adequately for the trip?" She asked.

"I have." Kasem winced when he was elbowed by somebody. "… left my mother with the money and reassured her that I have to go to Thonburi for personal reasons, not for running away with you."

"But you are running away with me." She said, unblinking. Kasem's mouth twitched in amusement. "Anyways, I don't see why you had to wait until your mother wake up and make my man wait. You could have left a letter – that would be more time-efficient."

"My mother can sometimes be a worrier. I need to talk to her in person to calm her and make everything easier." He explained.

"Troublesome."

He offered her a hesitant smile. Despite her blunt words, he knew that she cared for him and his mother. Today, Lien wore her dark green tunic – 'ao dai', he reminded himself – over white pants, and had her long hair tied in a low ponytail with a red scrap of fabric. She looked neat and comfortable, and he was glad for that. Seeing her struggle in a dress had made him feel somewhat guilty.

Seeing Kasem's trademark smile, she raised her eyebrows in confusion. Her addlepated expression reminded him of their strained conversation in the previous night, and he felt his heart sink a little. He had spent the night thinking about their relationship and what Lien said. If what Lien said was true, then he had been wrong when he thought that his past self had fallen for her. His feelings for Lien now belonged to the two-year-old Kasem alone, not to the old Ayutthaya.

Yet, he could hardly comprehend how Ayutthaya could hate, let alone abhor someone like Lien. Kasem knew he was young and inexperienced, but he was confident that he could see the real person behind almost every person's mask. His intuition about people was honed by his frequent interaction with other people, and was usually right. He did not see evil in Lien. What he saw, was a reluctance to express outward emotions, a bluntness that sometimes aggravated people, a strong-willed temperament and an underlying kindness carefully hid behind a taciturn countenance.

Maybe his past self with hundreds of years in experience had known better. But he highly doubted it. Intuition was not a random gift – it was an elusive capacity that needed to be trained for a long period of time. His intuition now must be the result of hundreds of years in dealing with humanity. And if his insight now hinted that Lien was not a bad person by nature, his past self might have thought like that too.

Considering Lien's nature, what could she have done to make Ayutthaya abhor her? The question stung him.

Perhaps Ayutthaya and Dai Viet had been enemies at some point in the past. He drove away that hypothesis, remembering how Lien mentioned that her country was far away from Lan Na and Thonburi ("You have to get past a few eastern countries to get there"). Only neighboring countries engaged in wars.

Then, he conceived another supposition as he remembered what Lien had said the previous night: 'A country leads a life of atrocities and destruction.' As a nation, she must have gone through wars and been forced to annihilate soldiers on the opposite side in order to protect her people. Maybe Ayutthaya had hated her for that: Kasem was a pacifist, and he was sure that his past self had been a dovish who detested murderers. But if it was true, who was he to hate and look down upon her? She was probably just a victim of war, a good person who was compelled to leave behind kindness and enter the battle field as a demon.

Maybe he had been another kind of person in the past – a person who was less sympathetic and more judgmental, misanthropic, cynical. An undying person with critical duties and hundreds of years in experience would think very differently from a mere mortal with almost no memory of his past. Every image that he had created about the life of countries was pure hypothetical. He did not understand the inner workings of the world of personificated countries; nor did he get a glimpse into immortals' lives and problems and the intricate functioning of their brains. He could have detested Lien for reasons that transcended his own understanding.

Nonetheless, despite his past, Kasem found no reason to hate her now. He did not feel the need to treat Lien differently even after hearing that he had abhorred her in the past. After he had regained his memory, he would decide how he should feel about Lien.

For now, he could forgive himself for having feelings for her.

"Say, Lien…" He attempted to start a conversation when they made it past the crowd and no one could hear them. "Now that I've known that you are not a trader – what were you really doing in Lan Na when I found you?"

Lien frowned at his attempt again. His geniality apparently did not make sense to her after what had transpired the night before.

"I did not exactly lie to you. Every once in a while, I would pretend to be a nomadic merchant and travel around a foreign country. It's just a deeply-ingrained hobby." Then she made a face. "However, recently, things have been hard for me, so I gallivant more. It just happened that I got ambushed when I went through Lan Na."

"Things are tough?" He inquired. "It's the civil war that you mentioned, right?"

"It is. When a country is split into two or embroiled in internal conflicts, its personification can be weakened significantly." She gave a grimace. "There are many ways to debilitate a country. Starting civil wars, burning its capital to the ground, forcing assimilation…" Then she looked at Kasem in the eyes. "You were weakened because of the first two rationales. Before Burma invaded you, civil wars have burdened your country for years. Then, the Burmese forces came and King Naungdawgyi of Burma ordered them to burn down the capital in order to enfeeble you even further."

Something cold settled in the pit of his stomach. He had heard of the fall of Ayutthaya for countless times, yet he never knew the reason behind the Burmese forces' massacres and destructions of his capital.

"They burned my capital to the ground only to undermine me?" He asked incredulously.

"Short answer: yes." Lien shrugged. "It's a common stratagem, since the capital is like a nation's heart. When a personificated country is weakened, his or her people will become more docile and vulnerable. Easier to rule."

Thousands of his people had been killed only to weaken him. Anger clouded his mind so fast that his self-restraint almost shattered into pieces. The abominable thought tormented him beyond recognition and made him feel that he was partly responsible for the plight of his people. He became even more miserable as he recalled that while his people had needed him for the past few years, the only thing he had done was enjoying peace and unconditional love and halcyon dreams in blissful ignorance.

Kasem clenched his fist. He felt lucky that he was finally able to see the truth. He would rebuild his country together with his people and seek vengeance with Burma.

"You okay?" Lien raised one eyebrow. Kasem did not bother to reply, so she left him alone.

They did not talk for a while after that. The stuffy, stifling atmosphere in the village market made neither of them fond of a conversation. However, when they passed through a row of colorful lanterns, Lien asked out of curiosity:

"What are they doing here?"

"Huh?" He turned his head to the left and caught a stall full of hanging and sky lanterns. "Oh, they are making lanterns for the Yi Peng."

"What is Yi Peng?"

"It's a festival celebrated in full moon day this month. During this festival, we would launch the lanterns into the air to wish for luck and happiness." He scratched his head. "Yi Peng takes place in Chiang Mai, Lan Na's capital every year. My stupid words alone will not be able to convey its beauty, so you had better see it with your own eyes."

Thinking about the festival melted his anger away and made him forget temporarily about his low mood. His face brightened up marginally when he recalled his trip to Chiang Mai to attend Yi Peng two years ago. The scene that he witnessed there was so beautiful and majestic that he continued to dream about it two months after that.

"Oh." Lien muttered. "When will it be celebrated?"

"Tonight, if I am not mistaken." Kasem blinked when he remembered the date. "What a coincidence. Maybe on the way to Thonburi, we can attend the festival. It will not take long, and Yi Peng will enable you to forget all your worries and wish for luck and help from the Buddha."

Yi Peng would also enable him to get closer to Lien, but he chose not to voice that part out loud. He wondered how Lien would react to the sight of thousands of lanterns glowing in the night sky. That sight might be a remedy to Lien's stress and worry and make her smile. Lien rarely expressed contentment on her face: she always seemed to frown and had a gloomy look on her face that warded off strangers and curious onlookers. It was a shame, because she looked beautiful when she smiled.

Thinking of Yi Peng made him ponder over the course of action he would take during the next few days. Since he only had a few days left with Lien in the trip to Thonburi, he wanted to make it memorable for both of them before he took on his duties as a country.

Lien put one hand to her chin and appeared to consider his suggestion. "I am not sure if it would be a good idea."

"You should come." He looked at the delicate lanterns again. "We can make lanterns together, pray and enjoy the view."

Amber eyes flickered for a brief second.

"You seem to be dealing fine with all of these." She dryly remarked.

"What are 'these' that you are talking about?" His voice was nearly drowned in a string of sounds that surrounded them.

"The fact that you loathed me in the past apparently did not waver you."

A half smile stretched his lips. He deliberately walked slower to let her catch up with him until they were shoulder to shoulder. "Do you want me to hate you then?"

Lien did not expect that question. She blinked owlishly and seemed to struggle with a comeback.

"Well, I do not expect you to." She shrugged. "Don't you want to know why you hated me?"

"Well then, why did I hate you?"

Kasem halted his footsteps and inclined his head towards Lien, expecting an answer. In a brief instance, he discerned that Lien was slightly shorter and thinner than him. Her smaller frame size would enable him to have the upper hand in a fight with her or intimidate her in certain situations… like now. He bit his lower lip and dispelled that thought.

Lien was on the verge of answering him when she collided with another person. A mass of people stood in front of them, and they had to elbow their ways out of the crowd again. Dins of chatter and cackle made their way through the sea of heads and dwarfed all sounds with lower decibels. Someone shoved Kasem backward, but he soon regained his equilibrium and hastened his step. He turned around to find Lien and was relieved to see her still on his side. Kasem accelerated his speed, passing a group of simpering teenagers and an assemble of women who wore garish, multicolored dresses. Jewels and tools hung on the stalls glittered in sunlight and occasionally dazzled him.

Feeling somewhat raddled, he turned his head around again and found that Lien had drifted away from him. They could lose each other in the crowd if they were not careful. Their situation sparked a funny idea inside his head. In all likelihoods, she would react against this, but it did not deter him from trying.

Lien flinched when Kasem touched her right hand. His fingers circled around her palm and squeezed slightly, pulling her closer to his side. She shook her wrist and frowned at him, but the only answer she received was a casual comment:

"Be careful; you could get lost."

A rush of red colored her cheeks. She quickly forced her way through the crush of people around her and closed in on him before someone could notice that they were holding hands. As she approached him, she leaned closer and murmured:

"Let go of my hand."

Kasem tilted his head and whispered into her ears, his lips almost touching her earlobe.

"I'd like to see you try."

It was a tease, an open challenge. He pretended to stare at the guy standing in front of him as if he was the most interesting person on earth and waited to see if Lien would dare to do anything in the middle of the crowd. However, after a few seconds of nothing, he glanced at her from the corner of his eye. Her face was emotionless, carefully neutral, but a tinted color was covering her cheeks. So she had decided not to make a fuss about their holding hands.

Taking it as a hint, he moved his hand slightly and entwined their fingers together. Electricity passed from her delicate fingers to his veins and made his heart throb. Her hand was soft and warm and fit into his hand perfectly, and Lien did not make any distinct attempt to pull away.

Giddiness spread all over his body and left him in a dazed state. His earlier question was forgotten in the blink of an eye, and his day suddenly became much better to look forward to.

.

.

.

The moment they got out of the market, Lien pulled away. Kasem was obviously unhappy about it, but he made no comment. They strolled on the road, passing verdant rice fields and windswept moors, and said nothing for a while.

"I hope your man will not feel terrible when I make him wait." Kasem commented. "Today is hotter than usual."

His comment was veritable. The sun beat down on them, scorching the earth underneath their feet and making Kasem break out in a sweat. He had worn his most comfortable clothes, but they were no match against the torrid weather. He hoped that Lien would not be too uncomfortable with the heat.

"It's alright. He will understand." Lien wiped her forehead using the back of her hand. Her action made Kasem realize that he should have brought a handkerchief for her.

"Who is he anyways?" He asked.

"You will not know him." She shook her head. "He used to work as a low-ranked official in Chiang Mai, Lan Na's capital. But last year, he was assigned to the southern border of Lan Na to do a menial job."

"How did you contact your man then? Using letters?"

"No." Lien answered curtly. "Telepathy."

Kasem's eyes widened. "Really?"

Lien nodded. "This ability is confined to a country and its own people only. I cannot contact any person from your country, but I can communicate my thoughts to my people from any distance."

"That's cool."

"Not really. I admit that it's convenient, but it can be troublesome at times." She made a face. "For instance, at the moment, I can literally hear the thoughts of thousands of people in my country."

Kasem's jaw dropped. He wondered how it was possible, and how Lien could endure it for a long period of time. Just a day of being stuck in the market and hearing all kinds of sounds could make Kasem weary. It was why he rarely engaged in trading – he preferred listening to the songs of bird and the sounds of fish swishing their tails to hearing customers complaining about the price in the village market.

Lien was indifferent toward his astonishment. "It only takes a few years to get used to it. And I am almost two thousand years old."

Her statement piqued Kasem's interest. Despite knowing that Lien was a country, he did not think that a young woman like her could be that advanced in years. There seemed to be a disparity between a nation's look and his or her real age. He asked:

"What about me? How old am I now?"

"You guess."

Kasem looked at Lien and endeavored to draw a quick comparison between their ages. They both looked young, between 18 and 20 years old. Maybe they were similar in age.

"About two thousand years old?"

Lien rolled her eyes. "You bet."

Kasem furrowed his brow. So he was much younger or older.

"One thousand then?" He made an intelligent guess.

"Closer, but not really." She replied. "If I am not mistaken, you are over four hundred years old."

Kasem did a quick calculation in his head. So Lien was about… five times his age. In human measurement, if he was in his twenties, Lien would be one hundred years old. The age gap was creepy. He felt down when he realized that he must have seemed like a kid to Lien.

Noticing Kasem's low mood, Lien smirked.

"Feeling inferior?"

Kasem raised a brow. If only she knew what he was thinking. "Not really."

"Don't worry. Despite your youth, you were anything but inferior." Lien patted his shoulder. "Before Ayutthaya fell, your country was probably the strongest nation around here – well, except for mine, of course. You were like a burgeoning empire. Even your older siblings were no match for you."

Kasem was surprised. He chose to ignore her former statements and zeroed in on the most important part.

"Siblings?" He asked, dismissing the 'burgeoning empire' part entirely. "I thought you said that I had no family. Who were they?"

"You guys never considered each other family." Lien rolled her eyes. "Lan Na and Sukhothai were your older brothers. But Sukhothai died a century ago. Now you only have Lan Na."

"Lan Na?"

A strange feeling spread through his body. For the past few years, he had lived in his brother's nation and considered it his homeland. A bizarre coincidence. What was his brother like? How would Lan Na react if he he knew that his brother was living in a remote village?

"I am surprised that Lan Na has not discovered you here." Lien sighed. "You are quite lucky. Given the opportunity, he would shred you into pieces. Literally."

Kasem's heart sank to his stomach. So he and his brother were not exactly civil. It was not unexpected, but the scenario was still gruesome, and he did not know how he should react.

"He hated me that much?"

"You guys fought each other all the time." Lien muttered. Suddenly, she waved her hand and shouted. "Hey!"

Kasem fastened his eyes forward and saw an old, average-sized three-horse carriage. Standing next to it was a man who wore a long-sleeved white shirt and a plain sampot. He looked mature, no less than 30 years old, with a lean, sinewy body and a winning disposition. Upon seeing Lien and Kasem, the man dropped to his knee and clasped his hands together.

"My lady." He said in reverence. Then he looked at Kasem. "Sir."

"No need to be formal." Lien dismissed. Then, she tilted her head toward Kasem and whispered. "Kasem, this is my subordinate, Nguyen Duc Khoi."

"Oh." Kasem's mind was still swirling with unanswered questions relating to his brothers, but he ignored them for the time being. He pressed his palms and bowed slightly. The man stood up and waied in return.

"Let's get going." Lien ordered.

Once they had climbed into the wooden carriage and settled in their seats, the man smacked the horses with a whip. The buckskin horses neighed, lifting their tails and started trotting, pulling the carriage forward. Lien and Kasem gripped the edges of their seats to steady themselves. Once the speed of the carriage had become stable, Lien turned around and asked her underling.

"We will part ways in Chiang Mai. Can I trust you to take Kasem to Thonburi alone?"

Kasem immediately cast his eyes on Lien in surprise.

"You are leaving in Chiang Mai?" He asked before Khoi could reply to her question.

"Are you worried that your trip might be unsafe without me?" Lien raised her eyebrows. "I have plans back in my country, so I cannot go with you. But Khoi will be more than able to protect you."

"Your lack of protection will not be a problem." Kasem furrowed his brows. He had assumed that Lien would at least accompany him to Thonburi before going back home, but then realization dawned on him. Dai Viet – Lien's nation was in the east, and Thonburi – his nation was in the south, so there was no way they could travel on the same road. Lien never had any intention of travelling with him for a few days – he recognized that fact with mild disappointment.

But even if that was the case, he saw no reason why Lien had to leave in Chiang Mai. If anything, he should be the one leaving earlier so that her man could take her back to Dai Viet, since he was the one tagging along.

"You don't have to leave in Chiang Mai and go back alone. I will. I can travel to Thonburi on my own." He crossed his arms.

She frowned. "That will not look good to King Taksin. If Khoi carried you straight to his palace, he would be more open to contract negotiations from Dai Viet. Our territory is expanding southwards, so your nation should be a good ally."

Kasem's eyes widened. An unpleasant sensation swirled in his stomach when he connected what she just said with her insistence to help escort him to Thonburi yesterday. She had offered help to him, not out of kindness but out of her plan to establish a favorable relationship with his nation, and he had foolishly believed that she was treating him kindly. His face scorched in embarrassment as he silently condemned his simplemindedness.

Up until now, he had treated Lien as if she was a normal girl to him. But her revelation had made him see her in a new light. She was a nation. And nations were experts in playing the political trump cards.

"So… that's why you helped me."

"What do you expect, Kasem?" She shot back. "We were never civil. I did somewhat sympathize with your yearning for peace, but if you had decided to be a nation again, you will have to accept the fact that people – and other nations – will take advantage of you. You should feel lucky that I am still willing to help you."

"Out of political advantage." He said dryly.

She did not reply.

"My lady, I pawn my honor to ensure that Sir Ayutthaya would be safe from harm." Khoi suddenly said, pretending that he had not heard the exchange between Kasem and Lien. "However, there is one minor problem."

"What is it?" Lien inquired.

"When I passed through Chiang Mai…" The man said slowly, his low voice coinciding with the horses' gallop rhythm. "The Burmese forces were dispersing search warrants on every street. The face on these papers resembles Sir Ayutthaya's."

.

.

.

For a brief moment, Lien's face was struck with consternation while Kasem immediately forgot his grim train of thought and stared at the back of the man in disbelief. Search warrants for him? What was happening?

"Do you keep one of those? Hand me that." Lien gritted her teeth.

The man fumbled in his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. Lien took it from his hand and unfolded it. Peering at the paper out of curiosity, Kasem blanched when his eyes were met with an elaborate drawing of his face. The guy in the picture had wavy, disheveled dark brown hair and a chiseled face. His expression suggested an effrontery and callous attitude, with sharp eyes gleaming mischievously and a half smile stretching across his lips. The guy's features did not resemble him in small, exact details, but anyone who had seen this picture would have no difficulty recognizing Kasem in real life.

"This is not good." Ignoring Kasem's nonplussed expression, she turned to Khoi. "Have the search warrants been spread around here? Or is it just the capital?"

"Burma just arrived at Chiang Mai a few days ago, so warrants like these have not reached this region. But they will soon."

Lien cursed. "Now even Burma is here? Can we avoid Chiang Mai and go another way?"

"I am afraid that every district near there has been filled with Burmese soldiers. They are all on the lookout for Sir Ayutthaya – all locations are now equally dangerous."

"What about going eastward? We can make it to Luang Prabang and go southward from there."

"Burma has been deploying more troops across the border between Lan Na and Luang Prabang lately, my lady. That would not be a sensible choice. But we can travel northward to the Qing Empire and hide Sir Ayutthaya there for a period of time."

"And risk getting caught by China? No thanks, that bastard and his troops remember my face." Lien replied sarcastically.

Kasem clutched the search warrant as reality squeezed his coherent thoughts away. Burma was searching for him – for Ayutthaya. But what made him think that Ayutthaya was not dead? Hadn't there been a Burmese soldier who confirmed his demise? Why did Burma choose this exact time to seek him out? The first two times he went to Thonburi, nobody had threatened his safety. The occasional robbers and miscreants had not posed a threat to him, since he easily defeated them. Just when he thought that he could make it back to Thonburi safely for the third time, fate had to prove him wrong.

Fear slowly ballooned inside Kasem. He had never experienced the feeling of somebody on the run, but now, everything suddenly felt surreal. Cold sweat trickled down his back, and a hollow, invisible tunnel wrapped itself around him, blocking out all sounds and reverberating the cacophony of his ungovernable thoughts.

"Have you brought some clothes just like I asked, then?" Lien asked Khoi urgently.

"Yes, they are under your seat. The weapons, too."

Lien reached the spot under her seat and pulled out a bundle. Upon being unpacked, it revealed an admiral blue tunic and a pair of brown pants.

"Khoi, stop the carriage." Then she turned to Kasem. "Change into these clothes. I'll wait outside."

Kasem nodded numbly. The carriage screeched to a halt, making him almost stumble onto the floor. Lien instantaneously hopped from equipage to provide him with privacy. After he had finished changing, she climbed into the carriage again with a grim face. She thrust a conical hat, which seemed to appear from nowhere, into his hand.

"Don't forget to wear this." She told him. "It will cover part of your face without making you look suspicious."

He looked briefly at the unfamiliar hat and put it on right away. Lien stared at him from head to toe to assess his new appearance, then stepped closer and touched his hat. Kasem's heart beat faster at the close proximity, and he could not help but stare into her amber eyes. Her eyes met his and she flinched, but she said nothing. Lien pulled out the silk chin strap on the side of the hat and let it rest on his chin.

"This way, the hat will not fall off." She sighed. "I know that today is hotter than normal, but keep it on to prevent people on the road from recognizing you. From now on, your name will be Nam, and you will be a Viet merchant. Hopefully, this guise will help you avoid the Burmese forces' unwanted attention."

She then flopped into the chair and crossed her arms. Kasem slowly sat down, still feeling zonked-out and spooked.

To think that just this morning, he had thought that today would not be so bad. But now, not only was he reminded of Lien's politically conscious side, he also had to face the fact that he was now officially treated like a wanted criminal. His mother would not react nicely to this turn of event the day the search warrants reach his village.

"Why is Burma actively searching for me now? Did anything happen recently that made him think that I am still alive?" Kasem questioned.

Lien stared at the dirt road outside. "Technically, your death – Ayutthaya's death – has always been questionable. The confirmation of a mere soldier cannot be trusted. Moreover, Thonburi, Ayutthaya's succeeding state, has not had a personification yet, despite having been founded for three years. Many nations, including Burma, still assume that you are alive because of that. My best guess is that up until now, Burma has wanted to search for you but has not gotten the chance to investigate about your death, since in recent years, he was involved in war with China. They only signed a peace treaty last year. Perhaps that treaty enabled him to search for you on a large scale for the first time this year."

"Anyways, do you know whether Burma is still in the capital or not?" Lien asked Khoi. Her monotonous voice suggested that she had become calm again. "Can we avoid him?"

"I heard that he would remain in Lan Na for at least one month in order to find Ayutthaya. I am not sure of his exact location."

Kasem could feel a knot in his stomach.

"There's no avoiding him then." Lien fastened her eyes on Kasem. "Do you guys have any suggestion? The two of you know more about Lan Na than I do."

Kasem's eyes met hers before slating to Khoi, but Khoi remained wordless. Realizing that he had to be the one racking his brains, he recalled his various pilgrimages in Lan Na to find what information he could use. His mind was still in a jumble, but after a while, he came up with a feasible idea.

"Here is my plan." He began speaking, drawing attention from Lien. "We will go through Chiang Mai and drop you there, because: first, that's the shortest route, and second, since the Yi Peng festival is going to be held there, Chiang Mai will be packed with people and the soldiers there will not be able to control all the carriages. I have been in Chiang Mai once to attend Yi Peng, so I know. After you have left, as long as I and Khoi pretend to be foreign merchants, the soldiers will not spare us a thought. In the worst-case scenario, we'll fight."

"Sounds okay." Lien nodded straightaway. "Do you still remember how to fight?"

"I do."

"Glad to hear that, because I am going to accompany you guys to the south."

Kasem lifted his head. Did she just decide that she would go with them to Thonburi because she was worried? As soon as that thought cropped up, he mentally punched himself. He could not raise his hope – she could have chosen that option simply because it would ensure his safety and thus increase her chances of establishing an affiliation with the Kingdom of Thonburi.

Nonetheless, he still did not want to inconvenience her. He knew he was foolish – for still pining after her even though she had made it clear that her concern mainly went in accord with the benefits her nation could receive – but he could not help but worry about her safety.

"I will be able to defend myself. You do not have to trouble yourself." Kasem said resolutely.

"I have little doubt about your fighting skills." Lien rolled her eyes. "However, you are still in your human form, and that fact puts Burma at a very distinct advantage. Remember, we countries have an ability to mend our own bodies. You will not win against him in a long fight. Not to mention that there are also legions of soldiers there – he will not be the only one you'll have to fight."

Kasem frowned. What Lien said made perfect sense, but he was reluctant to drag her into his trouble. Just before vocalizing that thought, he was cut off by another voice.

"My lady, please forgive me for my rudeness, but by doing this, you will put yourself in danger." Khoi, who had remained silent for the past few minutes, spoke out. "Although there have not been any fights between the Trinh and the Nguyen lately, you are getting weaker and weaker. If you engage in a fight with Burma, he will win and debilitate you even further."

Khoi's protest reminded him of the day he saved Lien from the storm. The memory engulfed him in a sense of self-reproach and inadequacy as he recalled that he almost did not rescue her. If he had not pulled her onto his boat and found her a shelter, she would have drifted along the Ping River and been put into danger. She could have been found by a pimp, a human trafficker or a potential rapist. He had seen how helpless she had looked, and he would not see her like that again.

"I agree with Khoi." Kasem raised his voice. "You were defeated by a group of bandits just a few days ago. What will ensure that you will not be wounded again? I do not fully support the idea of your travelling alone, but if you come with us, you will put yourself at serious risk."

"You are underestimating me." Lien seemed untroubled. "I am going to win him without breaking any sweat. It is a piece of cake."

"That's quite presuming of you."

"You may be thinking that I am overly confident, but I am not." She said. "Defeating Burma is not a big deal to me. You just do not believe me because you have not seen me in a fight. Only a country can stand a chance against another country."

"Then why did you allow those robbers to defeat you?" Kasem asked. "Shouldn't countries be infallible in conflicts with humans due to their self-mending ability?"

"There were more than fifty of them. Of course I would be the one with disadvantages." Lien said in irritation. "I passed out due to blood loss after getting some deep cuts in the back. But having you and Khoi on my back, I would not be beaten like that again. In addition, now that I know that the border between Luang Prabang and Lan Na is filled with soldiers, the route I will take may not be safe anymore. Between two unsafe options, of course I am going to choose the one where you guys are able protect me."

Kasem pressed his lips together into a thin line. Every argument Lien brought forth was reasonable, and he had no other plausible comeback to deter her from following them.

"My lady." Khoi said slowly. "If anything bad happens to you, I will not be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life."

"Don't worry about nonsensical things." Lien dismissed.

Silence filled the equipage after that.

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As soon as the carriage reached the fringe of a forest, the horses stopped trotting and filled in the silence with occasional sighs. The green foliage alleviated the omnipresent heat and relaxed his mind. He had always had a penchant for forestland. Whenever his boat passed by a woodland in sultry day, he would stop by the riverside and take a stroll around. The forests were a sanctuary to which he fled when his days became unbearable. To him, the small streams that curved gently through the forests were portals to another world and the tall oaks that towered above him represented an ancient, serpentine power that would elude an untrained eye.

He slackened his grip on the edge of the seat and rested on its back. So far, their carriage had travelled a long way and he had not been recognized yet. It was a relief. Initially, he had been wary of any unsought gaze from people in other equipages, but as time elapsed, he realized that no one was mindful enough to pay heed to him. The only people he should be guarded against – the Burmese troops – had not shown themselves yet.

Maybe he would encounter them in Chiang Mai. Considering the amount of time that had passed and the speed of the horses, it would take at least half a day more to arrive at the capital.

His eyes flickered to Lien and caught her gaze. She had been staring at him for some strange reason. Blood rushed to his neck and cheeks as a sense of self-consciousness worked its way into his brain. The palpitation of his heart served as an unpleasant reminder of his unorthodox and helpless crush on her. He straightened up and sent her a questioning look.

"I'm sorry." Was all she said.

"What for?"

She ran her fingers through her hair. "I did not expect Burma to search for you. It has been three years since Ayutthaya's alleged death and he has not done anything, so I figured he had forgotten about you. I'm sorry that I once thought of abandoning you in that village. God knows what would happen if I left you alone there at Burma's mercy."

Kasem raised his eyebrows at her apology. She slouched her shoulders and averted his gaze, looking sincerely rueful. Seeing her like that made him uneasy. He did not want her to think that she deserved the blame for wanting him to find peace.

"It's okay. You were just worried about…" He trailed off as realization slowly settled in. "…me."

He wondered if he should take it as a sign that she cared. Earlier, due to shock and disappointment in her pragmatic handling, he had made a cursory judgment about her. However, at this moment in time, he started to suspect that her indifference toward his well-being was a charade. After all, Lien had initially decided to go home alone without him. She had not had any political scheme from the beginning.

Maybe she truly cared about him.

Nonetheless, Lien seemed uncomfortable with that idea.

"It's not really about you." She said.

He leaned closer until they face were inches apart and murmured lowly.

"What is it about, then?"

Lien was immediately taken aback. She seemed to take their current interaction as another challenge that she refused to back down from, as she tensed in discomfort but did not withdraw. Her obstinate reaction made him wonder what would happen if he closed the short distance between them and provoke her even further. The thought appealed to him more than it should.

"Don't go overboard." She warned, deliberately ignoring his question.

"What do you think I will do?" Kasem asked. His heart was beating so fast that he felt it would burst at any minute.

Her eyes narrowed.

"Something you'll regret when you recover your memory."

Surprise played across his mind and stupefied him. She did not just imply that she knew his crush on her. For a moment, a mishmash of thoughts flooded his mind and rendered him speechless. Lien stared at him, unblinking, waiting for a response.

But if she knew, he would not be surprised. Kasem had always been obvious about how he felt around people. He rarely felt the need to conceal his affection for others for the sake of propriety or appropriateness.

"I don't see what is wrong with it." He said quietly.

A frown broke out across her face and sharply contorted her features.

"Don't play around. I don't like this."

"But I'm serious. I like yo-"

"Don't fuck with me!"

The sudden raise in her voice startled Kasem and made him shift back in his seat. Lien was still staring at him without blinking. Then she blinked. For a brief moment, her eyes went wide and she inclined her head and quickly covered her mouth with both hands as she realized what she had burst out in the heat of the moment. Her hands shook. She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to comprehend her own action and make sense of her emotions.

Shock overcame Kasem. It was the first time he had seen Lien run the gamut of emotions from aggravation to consternation, and he had a terrible hunch that things would go downhill from there.

"I'm sorry. I promise I will not do that again. Are you okay?" He said in panic and extended out his hand. When his hand touched her elbow, she revolted and scooted back.

"No." She blinked repeatedly. "No. I mean, I'm okay."

Yet he could see that she was not. Her eyes were filled to the brim with uncontrollable emotions and her knuckles were white. However, her eyes soon went steely as she fastened her gaze on Kasem. Before he could discern what was happening, she grabbed his shoulder and pulled him closer.

He could feel her breath tickle on his ear and the left side of his neck. For a long moment, she said nothing, and he thought that she was going to cry. But then, she began speaking.

"You are just confused. You will not see it that way after knowing the reason why you abominated me in the past." She said in a small voice. "I have killed people. Not just soldiers in battle fields, but also sinless, benign people who do not threaten my country. I cannot recall how many times I have drawn my sword and claimed an innocent life. I am the quintessence of everything you ever hated."

The words 'innocent life' stood out and resounded in his head over and over. A sharp pain stirred to life in his heart and erupted across his body. His mind was suddenly hollow, as if someone had plunged a knife into his head and pulled his coherent thoughts away.

He could not breathe. Blood drained from his face and his hands became cold.

So that was it. A person like her… He had deluded himself for all this time. He had been a fool, a fool for trusting his intuition, a fool for believing in her.

Seeing his aghast expression, Lien let go of his shoulder.

"Can you still say that you like me now?"

Her taunting voice made something snap inside him. He looked away, stood up and sat as far from her as possible.

Lien's face was a picture of indifference, but she kept staring at him after that. Her eyes manifested an ineffable, lingering emotion, but she eventually closed her lids and turned away. Silence stretched between them while they were both immersed in their separate thoughts.

Bewailing winds from the deepest part of the forest rippled over the carriage and howled in a solemn cadence, signaling a gloomy day ahead.

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End of chapter 3.

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Author's note:

1\. Yi Peng/Yee Peng (Lantern Festival/The Festival of Lights): a Thai festival that originated from the ancient Kingdom of Lan Na. Remember that famous scene in the Disney film Tangled where Rapunzel and Flynn Rider went on a boat to see the lanterns? The Yi Peng is also beautiful like that. I've made Kasem give a brief introduction to this festival, and I'll go into details about it in the next chapter.

2\. Ayutthaya's age: The Kingdom of Ayutthaya was established in 1350 and fell in 1767, so Ayutthaya would be exactly 417 years old when he fell.

3\. Liem's remark: "Before Ayutthaya fell, your country was probably the strongest nation around here – well, except for mine, of course." This statement is somewhat subjective and infused with a sense of nationalism. Nonetheless, it does sum up Lien's impression about Ayutthaya's position in mainland Southeast Asia: she sees him as a strong, thriving and precocious country.

4\. Lan Na (1292-1775) and Sukhothai (1238-1583): Both of them were ancient kingdoms that once centered in the present-day Thailand and were founded much earlier than Ayutthaya. Lan Na was in the north and Sukhothai was in the south. However, Sukhothai no longer existed in the year when this story took place (1770). (I shall go into further details about their fates in later chapters.)

5\. The Qing Empire = China from 1644 to 1912.

6\. The set of clothing that Kasem put on in this chapter (a conical hat, an admiral blue tunic and a pair of brown pants) is based upon the set of clothes that men in Dang Trong (the south of Dai Viet) were required to wear after the dress reform movement launched by Lord Nguyen Phuc Khoat. The dress reform in Dang Trong was an attempt to distinguish people there from people in Dang Ngoai (the north of Dai Viet), and Lien's "ao dai" is also a result of this movement (as I mentioned in chapter 1).


	4. Blink

After a long and uncomfortable ride, they finally made it to Chiang Mai at the close of sunset. The capital teemed with life and vitality as he remembered it. Structures of various heights, some of which he had not seen before, bristled along the main roads. People from all walks of life filled the streets to the brim, prompting an impossible impasse that hindered any equipage that passed through. Chiang Mai during the Yi Peng festival was the same – if he did not count the presence of the Burmese troops who went in groups and continuously prowled in stores and taverns in search for a certain someone.

There had been a few Burmese soldiers who passed their carriage and glanced briefly at him and Lien, but apparently paid them no heed. They excluded the possibility that Ayutthaya might hide himself under the guise of a foreign merchant, and he was glad for that. Even though he had exclaimed earlier that he could protect himself, he found himself doubting his chances of survival in a city full of enemies and potential obstacles. The flock of Chiang Mai citizens hardly allowed him to move freely or take flight should the need arise.

It took a while for the carriage to reach the southern point of the buzzing city. However, when they arrived at the great gate which allowed traffic to move in and out of Chiang Mai, they realized that the way had been blocked by Burmese soldiers.

"This way is blocked? What do you mean?" Khoi exclaimed.

Hearing his question, a local merchant answered.

"I asked those soldiers, and they said that Burma has blockaded the city in order to ensure that not too many people will attend Yi Peng."

"Why am I not surprised." Lien murmured.

Kasem cast a sidelong glance at her. She was sitting with her arms crossed and her head tilted toward the small window next to her. Even though she had carefully hid her exasperation, her eyes still unveiled a sense of weariness and bottled up frustration that seemed to result from the long trip. A queasy feeling gnawed at his chest, tugged at his nerves and quelled his thoughts away. He turned his head toward the opposite window.

"Will Chiang Mai be freed tomorrow?" Khoi asked.

"It will be, according to the soldiers."

"We'll stay the night here, then." She decided and picked up a pair of swords. "Come with me, Nam. We'll have to find a tavern."

It took a second for Kasem to realize that she was referring to him. He numbly gathered his belongings and went out of the equipage to follow Lien. They passed by a couple of carriages, and he could hear people inside bristle at the inconvenience.

"You know Chiang Mai more than me. Help me find a lodging house." Lien said.

"Sure." He sauntered past her.

"By the way, keep this." She gave him one of her swords.

Normally, out of politeness, he would vocalize one or two words of gratitude, but now, he just grabbed the sword from her hand and grimly walked forward. His throat was dry and hollow; every word from it came out stilted and strained.

He fastened his eyes on his surroundings and took in the world using his five senses. It was dusk. The sun turned red as it descended to lower altitude, bestowing faint light upon the city and turning it aflame. The excitement of Chiang Mai citizens for the festival grew more evident in the remnant of the day. Colorful paper lanterns embellished every house and sheened as darkness closed in and slowly swept over the capital. The tangy smell of roast meat wafted from various taverns and evoked an appetite for any person with an empty stomach. People perambulated toward the temple where the festival was held, their flurry of confabs and dialogues leaving foreign guests fascinated and baffled at once. The lively atmosphere of the city stood in contrast with the tempered, serene mood of his village.

A chill coursed through his body when he remembered that during this time yesterday, he was still in his village and enjoying the tranquility there. He did not regret leaving his village to start a new life – not yet. He had a duty to fulfill, to risk his life for, even when he was quiet weak and vulnerable and isolated in this human form. However, he would be lying if he said that he was happy with the current turn of events. Just a day ago, he had thought that everything would eventually become fine. The pieces of the puzzle had fitted perfectly together: he had found an identity for himself, discovered his meaning, and achieved what he had always longed for. But he did not expect the danger he would have to go through as a country. He did not anticipate that the first girl he had ever developed a crush on would turn out to be a murderer.

In his eyes, Lien was a normal human being, capable of love and care and empathy. But in the end, it was just a personalized imagery. He had seen her through a curtain of cognitive bias and projected his interpretations on her behaviors.

Lost in his thought, he realized belatedly that Lien was not catching up to him. When he turned around, his eyes caught something unsought.

"Hey, watch out."

Kasem grabbed Lien's elbow and pulled her forward in a reflex action, just in time for her to avoid crashing into a young man. The aforementioned man toppled into the ground and groaned. Behind him, his group of friends burst out in a roar of laughter.

"Missed!" The guy in the front of the group snickered. Apparently, he was the one who pushed his friend towards Lien's direction. "Well, better luck next time, buddy!"

The dormant aggravation he had been feeling for the last few hours was fueled in the blink of an eye. Lien touched his arm, silently saying that it was not worth it, but he let go of Lien's elbow and walked toward the petulant guy. He could barely hear Lien's voice as he grabbed the young guy's collar and pulled it forward until their faces were merely inches from each other.

"Explain what you just did in three seconds, or I'll cut your balls off." He said in a low, threatening voice.

"Whoa, whoa there buddy." The guy's expression was slackened with fright. He pointed at his unfortunate friend, who was lying supine on the ground and writhing in pain. "It's that guy's fault! That coward wanted to make a move on her, so I just wanted to create a chance for him."

"By pushing your friend into her?" His answer aggravated Kasem even more.

"Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I promise I won't do that again!"

Kasem let go of the man's collar and pushed him backwards, still feeling irritated and more than ready for a fight.

"Say sorry to her, not me." He said coldly. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lien giving him a disapproving look.

"I'm sorry!" The guy shouted to Lien, drawing a few curious looks from bypassers.

Seeing those stares made Kasem aware of his surrounding again, and his cheeks scorched when he realized that everyone around him was eying him like an animal. Women frowned upon him, young girls whispered fervently to each other while looking straight at him and many people had stopping talking to observe the clash between him and the group.

'Let's go.' Lien mouthed and turned around. He followed her, not forgetting to throw back a glare at the group of young men. They glowered visibly at him, but none of them attempted to initiate a fight.

"What was that? You need some self control." Lien criticized him as she went past a small stall. The shopper glanced at both Lien and Kasem. "What if someone recognizes you?"

Kasem fixed the conical hat on his head. Lien was right – any Burmese soldier passing by could suspect him and demand that he take his hat off. Fortunate for him, there was none around here; they seemed to prefer gathering around the temple to partake in the annual festival.

Nonetheless, Kasem had clearly acted out of impulse. He wondered how he could allow anger to occupy his mind. The reason could not be his crush on Lien. Yet, aggravation, a foreign and unsought emotion, had rushed through his veins in a surge and drowned any rational deliberation when he saw her entangled in such a situation.

"I…" He pondered briefly over his answer. "…need to remind them that they are not free to mess around with other people. They deserved that."

His answer drew a look from Lien.

"That righteous attitude will be the death of you." She shook her head. "Your safety should be your first priority."

"I see no reason why I should listen to the likes of you." Words slipped from his mouth, blithe and contemptuous, before he could stop himself.

He saw Lien flinch and immediately regretted his statement. He thought his words would steam her up, but instead, she just turned around with a blank face.

"Do you hate me then?"

His footsteps came to a halt. The remaining frail rays of sunlight sank from the looming mountains and spilled over the caliginous city, bedazzling his eyes for a brief moment. A sense of déjà vu clamped down on him. His chest burned, burned with the need to say something, burned with the need to show her that he did not detest her, burned with a sickly familiar sensation that he could discern.

 _Don't hurt her._

An ancient, alien voice tugged at his heartstrings and paralyzed him. It was the same voice that nagged him about his duty, his obligation and his identity when he stayed in the village. The voice that belonged to Ayutthaya. Ayutthaya was still alive. He was alive inside Kasem, waiting for his chance to be heard, waiting for his chance to take over this body once more and abandon the self that had been crafted in the past two years.

He opened his mouth, but no word came out of it.

 _Don't hurt her._

He snapped his mouth shut.

Lien looked askance at him but did not inquire further. She turned her head around as her monotonous voice droned on.

"I wish you could detest me like Ayutthaya did."

He jerked his head up. "Why?"

"Your face is still the same. But he has never smiled at me or tolerated me the way you…" Lien said quietly. "It makes me…"

She trailed off, leaving the sentence hanging in midair. Kasem furrowed his brows, not quite understanding what she meant. The blood-red sun cast a lonely shadow over her and submersed them in a forlorn ambience. Her small back was soon lost among the mass of people, and he was overwhelmed by the need to grab her hand again.

He did not understand himself. His mind screamed that he could not reach out to her, yet his heart kept urging him to get closer to her. The tug between rationality and sentiment was unrelenting, leaving him confused and jumbled.

Did this feeling belong to Ayutthaya?

Why did Lien think that Ayutthaya abhorred her?

He wondered why he had taken a liking to her in the first place. He had assumed that his past self hated Lien with a burning passion. What was this voice, then? The question drifted into his mind as he closed his eyelids. All sounds around him seemed to blur into one buzzing noise that resounded in his head over and over.

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In the end, they decided to stay in a tavern near the place where the Yi Peng festival was held. Kasem opined that if they were not going to attend the festival, they might as well observe it from the window of their rooms. Lien found his opinion fair and did not protest.

After renting the rooms and taking a bath, Kasem stayed in his place while Lien went back to fetch Khoi from the great gate. He gazed out from the window to see the temple where Yi Peng was celebrated annually. People in white clothing were flocking to the temple and writing their wishes on the white receptacles, their hustle and bustle inaudible to him. A dark curtain slowly fell upon the capital, engulfing the land in a lonesome state. Lonely stars scintillated in the sky, yet their dim light never touched each other.

Kasem closed his window and lighted a candle in the room. Finally, he and Lien had gotten the chance to observe the Yi Peng festival, but he no longer felt glad about it. He was not sure how he should feel about Lien. His mind flashed back to their interactions in the past few days. The first day they met, he had told her about his little dream and she had listened attentively without ridiculing him. They had laughed together to the insipid jokes that he made and talked for hours on end about trifling matters. Even after coming back to the village, they still remained friendly and occasionally exchanged witticisms to lighten the mood. Their relationship had progressed well beyond the politeness and civility between two strangers – perhaps even on the verge of a friendship. But then at some point, he had learned that he was a country and everything had spiraled out of control from then.

He shook his head. Maybe he needed a good nap – the long trip today and the never-ending flows of his thoughts had dazed him. Lost in his stupor, he threw himself onto the bed and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Sometime later, the creaking sound of the door roused him awake. Lien had gone back.

"Dinner is in Khoi's room." Lien said. "Don't go downstairs to eat; you could be caught."

After that, she closed the door and retreated to her room. Kasem sat up and stretched his arms out, still feeling somnolent. He had no mind to fill his stomach now. Nonetheless, he got to his feet right away and walked into the hallway.

The man was sitting on the chair next to the window when Kasem came into his room. On the table adjacent to him lay a couple of dishes and a big bowl of rice for dinner. Hearing his footsteps, the man lifted his head and greeted Kasem with a nod. He gestured to the chair nearest to his, and Kasem sat down.

"May I talk to you for a moment?" Khoi suddenly asked.

Kasem noticed that the man ceased using formal address when Lien was not around.

"What do you want to talk about?" Kasem queried.

The man was silent for a while. However, when he spoke up, he startled Kasem with a question.

"How do you feel about my lady?"

He blinked. When realization dawned on him, blood rushed to his face, his neck and his ears. He had noticed that there was something amiss between him and Lien.

"I –" Something caught in his throat. "I don't know."

"What do you mean by 'I don't know'?" Khoi crossed his arms.

Kasem was mildly aware that he was in a precarious situation. It was understandable for a subordinate to worry about his lady's affairs, as Kasem had made his affection for Lien obvious on the trip to Chiang Mai. Yet, one word against Lien would be one word against the man's country. He knew better than messing around with people's patriotism.

"We just met three days ago." Kasem said slowly. "How am I supposed to feel?"

He refrained from showing his disdain. Developing a crush on her immediately after the first day and then expressing contempt for her two days later were two sentiments that did not go well together.

For a while, the man did not answer Kasem. Instead, he gave him a strange look that made him feel uneasy. Eventually, Khoi leaned into his chair and closed his eyes. His face was reticent, but his lips had formed into a thin line. Darkness cast a shadow over his right cheek and made him look older than his real age.

"Maybe you should be thankful." He dawdled with his words. "Before meeting you, she has been trying to find you for three years."

His voice was even, showing no trace of emotion, but Kasem felt as if he had been hit by a carriage.

"... What?"

Khoi opened his eyes, shifted in his seat and turned to him. "My lady is going to kill me for spilling this out, but forget it. Ever since Ayutthaya – your nation – fell, she has travelled around Lan Na several times to trace you. King Taksin could not afford to search for you on a large scale, since you are in Lan Na and Lan Na is Burmese territory, and other countries did not care about you enough to find you, even your brother Lan Na. But my lady went to great lengths to find you. She planted several spies in Lan Na's court to get wind of any information about your existence and searched high and low for you."

An unpleasant feeling gripped his heart and tore it open.

"Why did she search for me?" Kasem asked. He could not help but feel something uncharacteristic flutter in his stomach. The feeling stirred awake and started to burn a small fire in his centre.

"What do you think? Countries never care for each other; they even rejoice at the death of any nation. But the year Ayutthaya fell and you were rumored to have died in Lan Na, she went straight to my place and asked about you and took a detour around Lan Na to find you. I never knew why she did so."

Kasem took a sharp intake of air as color drained from his face.

"This makes no sense."

"Don't say anything and hear me out." Khoi snapped. "During recent months, my lady has been getting weaker, but she still goes out and searches for you. Do you know why? She knew that the war between Burma and China had ended, and that Burma would have more opportunity to investigate about your death. So she repeatedly risked her damn life to find you before Burma does.

She was ambushed when she was searching for you in the north. When she discovered you, she sent me a letter telling me to find a carriage and help you get back to Thonburi. But then she told me that you seemed happy with your life there, so I only had to carry her home. She had decided that Burma would forget about you.

Did she lie to you about this? That I came to her village to take her home and not to take you to Thonburi."

Kasem nodded, his face still as white as a ghost. " _This memory loss could be your only chance at happiness. You could marry a nice girl, settle for a peaceful life with your adoptive mother, and have a stable job. When you become a country again, everything will be hell. You will regret it._ " Lien had told Kasem that when he insisted that he wanted to be a nation again. He had neither understood her deliberation nor known the reason behind her words.

He had not known that she had spent three years trying to find him, only to decide to leave him alone for peace in a matter of days.

"Can I trust you?" Kasem tentatively asked.

"The fact that she is trying to help you to get to Thonburi instead of kidnapping you to blackmail your country should be enough proof." Khoi rolled his eyes. "Accompanying you to the south to gain King Taksin's recognition – it was the most terrible lie I have ever heard. No nation risks his or her life for a little political affiliation that might not last long."

Kasem feels his heart sink. "She has to risk her life?"

But Khoi did not have to answer. Kasem already recalled the time when Lien was ambushed by bandits in the north. If Kasem had not saved her, she would have been in serious danger. Another time was when Lien refused to back down when Khoi suggested that she was too weak to fight Burma. At that time, he had thought Lien was just choosing the more viable option. However, now, fully conscious of the strength of the Burmese troops in Chiang Mai, Kasem knew that Lien had deliberately chosen the more dangerous option in order to protect him.

Kasem felt his blood run cold when he remembered Khoi's words to Lien: ' _Although there have not been any fights between the Trinh and the Nguyen lately, you are getting weaker and weaker. If you engage in a fight with Burma, he will win and debilitate you even further_.' He was a bastard. He was a fucking bastard.

Khoi did not answer his question in the end. Instead, he simply shook his head.

"There was one time I saw her cry. It had been her ninth trip in Lan Na, and she had believed that you were dead. She visited me and asked me a few questions concerning Lan Na's situation. And then, when she thought no one was watching her, she broke down."

The revelation stupefied him. He did not know what to think.

A fragment of memory slipped into his head and took his understanding to the next level. In his first conversation with Lien in the cavern, he had said: ' _we are total strangers and I just saved your life out there_.' and Lien had reacted weirdly to his line. She had been baffled. She had immediately made up a lie about her identity because she did not know how she could deal with the situation.

 **She had dropped the knife when she saw that he was bleeding, because a nation was not supposed to bleed.**

 **She had sounded disappointed when he said that he did not know Dai Viet, because he had forgotten about her nation.**

 **She had worn a pained expression when he claimed that they were total strangers, because he had retained no memory about her.**

He could not breathe. He was the worst.

"So pardon me. I don't mean to pry, but-" Khoi continued talking, making Kasem's head snap up. "She said that you abhorred her in the past for her crimes, right?"

"She did." His throat was dry. Apparently, Khoi had heard that part of their conversation as well.

"I don't know what she did, since I've only lived for more than 30 years. I think you as Ayutthaya would know better." Khoi sighed. "But maybe, just maybe, you should reconsider your opinion about her."

He could not muster up any strength to answer the man. In the end, they sat in silence and remained immersed in their thoughts; their meal lay cold and forgotten.

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The bowwow and bluster from the crowds outside flooded his ears when he came into the hallway. The Yi Peng festival must have started now. At this time last year, he would be excited and make a dash to the temple right off the bat. But now, with the Burmese searching for him inside Chiang Mai, he could not afford to risk his life as well as the well-being of his nation.

Nonetheless, he had more things to think about than his attendance in Yi Peng. After hesitating, he knocked on the door of Lien's room.

"Who's that?"

"It's me." He cleared his throat. "Kasem."

A passing silence followed before Lien's voice came out again.

"Come in."

Black was the first color he saw when he pushed the door open. Unlike Khoi's, Lien's room was unusually dark and algid. Lien was standing by the window when Kasem stepped into the room. Upon hearing his footsteps, she did not move and concentrated on what was happening outside. The only candle in the right corner repelled the enfolding darkness and bathed her long lock of hair in a dandelion color.

She looked small and lost in the embrace of shadows and glow. After a moment of deliberation, he walked over to her side and nonchalantly asked.

"Has the festival begun?"

"It has." She monotonously replied.

He looked out of the window and saw people lighting the torches and votive candles to illuminate the open space. The crowd had gotten quieter now. Children clustered around adults with excitement bubbling in their eyes. A few were carried along by the flow of people. In the sea of heads, he could see the bedazzlement and hope shining on their eyes. It was the most waited moment of the year, when people could make merit and wish for a year of good crops and competence.

Before long, they would launch the lanterns they held in their hands into the air. The white, delicate sky lanterns would carry their wishes and make them come true.

"Looks cool." Lien made a comment. "I wish I could join them."

"You could." Kasem casually replied. "Khoi has just gone outside. I am the only one who is not permitted to go."

She ignored his remark.

"Why are you here?"

Kasem wondered if he could get straight to the point. He had come to her room to tell her that he had known about her lies, since he did not want to inflict pain upon her or make her think that he had misunderstood her for long. Yet, what could he achieve out of this action in the long run? The fact that Lien had been willing to lie to him meant that she was more comfortable dealing with his cluelessness and hatred. Telling her that he had been privy to her secrets could put a strain on their relationship, and it was the last thing that he wanted.

But if he pretended to be clueless, nothing would change between them. In a few more days, they would arrive at the Southern nation; then, he would be busy with his duties as the representative of Thonburi and Lien would come home and take care of the turbulence in her country. After that, fully conscious of their statuses as nations, they would not have the chance to meet each other regularly.

Tonight was his only chance.

"Lien." Kasem wondered how he could put his thoughts into words. "I've known."

"Know what?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Everything that you've done," He paused. "…in the past three years."

For a moment, Lien did not realize what he was trying to say. Eventually, recognition dawned on her face and her eyes widened.

"Khoi told you." She breathed. "Bastard."

Kasem's eyes widened in return. Before he could react, Lien brushed past him and made a beeline through the door. Realizing belatedly that she could do something to Khoi in the heat of the moment, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her backward. The action did not make her lose her balance; rather, it served as a trigger as Lien backed a step and struck a blow against him.

Without thinking, he parried the blow, seized her wrist and twisted it around slightly. Lien's body compensated for the wrench and bent in an uncomfortable position.

In a split second, Kasem secured a lock on her arms and quickly receded a few paces to drag her along. However, his legs collided with the edge of the only bed in the room and both of them crashed onto the blanket. Lien promptly elbowed him and got up, but he choked back a cry of pain and yanked her shirt onward to make her head smash against his shoulder. Taking advantage of the situation, he briskly interlocked their legs and got hold of her arms, effectively trapping her on his lap.

"Let me go." Lien bristled. She thrashed herself to the right in order to send both of them onto the floor, but Kasem was quicker in achieving balance.

"Not until you've calmed down."

She lifted her head up to meet his eyes. Their bodies were so close that he could feel their breath and heart beats mingle to form a single rhythm. It took him a few seconds to realize that their position was somewhat suggestive, but he could not let go of her now. She would probably disembowel Khoi in her wrath.

"You seem to be enjoying this." Lien muttered darkly.

His face heated up.

"I can't let you take your anger out on that man." He tried to keep his tone indifferent.

Lien bit her lips. Her indignant expression indicated her disagreement, but she chose not to voice her thought. The candle cast light on her blanched face and put her blush into sharp relief. As his eyes followed the rosy color gracing her cheeks, he wondered if Lien could also notice that he was blushing. She could, probably, considering the way she tried to wriggle out of his hold in vain.

He suddenly wanted to press his nose against her cheeks to feel the burn on her skin. In all probability, Lien would make him suffer, but he had always been good at enduring pain. He was on the point of acting on his impulse when Lien's voice startled him.

"He left a while ago right?" She asked. "Release me. I have no desire to get out of this tavern and chase after him."

His body stilled as he contemplated the implication of her words.

"You don't want to chase him," He said slowly. "…because you don't want to leave me alone."

"Don't get cocky." She warned.

"You are not denying."

They stared into each other's eyes, and for the first time, he saw uneasiness in her eyes. She was uncomfortable, not just from their position, but also from the fact that he had known what lay behind her veneer of indifference.

Silence wrapped around them and condensed into a mist of incommunicable emotions. Amber met brown, breath immingled, chest against chest, hold on wrists tightened. Her face was inches away from his. A moil of sensations struck him, wide and powerful, before spreading through his body and burning his centre.

"Stop sacrificing yourself for me." He murmured. "At the very least, you could tell me how much you care."

To care about somebody, only to receive hatred in return. To long for somebody, only to see that person die and disappear from sight. To spend years searching for somebody, only to be met with rejection and the treatment of a stranger. Was Ayutthaya aware of her feelings? All he knew was that the fallen nation used to detest her. But the feeling that arose inside him this afternoon could belong to no one but Ayutthaya. Protectiveness, concern, worry, disquietude. Even Kasem's infatuation with Lien felt unhealthily familiar.

"You and Ayutthaya will never understand, so why bother." Lien said quietly.

The name 'Ayutthaya' on her voice slipped through his ears and penetrated his consciousness. It twirled one wheel around his thought, connected two unrelated recollection together and pulled out an unexpected fraction of memory. Suddenly, a soft voice slinked into his ear, senescent and fragmented, as if he had heard it from a century ago.

 _Nations will never understand each other, Ayutthaya._

Another voice, low and resolute and identical to his own, answered.

 _Dai Viet, if you continue to think like that, this circle of war will never end._

"Ayutthaya will." Kasem inhaled deeply and shook his head. "I _am_ him. I know he will understand."

"You are confused." Lien refused to believe him. "Let's forget about this stupid thing so you will not laugh at me when you regain your memory."

His eyes narrowed. Lien's remark was the last straw. He moved closer, his nose pressing against hers. Lien's amber orbs widened in shock but she did not push him away. Their lips tentatively touched each other in a brief instance, and then they immediately pulled apart. The feel of her lips on his was distinctly different from the sniff kiss he often saw people exchange, yet it evoked both familiar and foreign sensations in his mind.

He did not know what this kind kiss was, but her warm, uneven breath ghosted over his lips and shattered his self-restraint. His left hand circled around her waist and pulled her closer for another kiss. Lien had the warm, fleeting redolence of orchards and the mild, herbaceous scent of rice fields in the rainy season. Her lips were wind-chapped and dry but soft and sweet and perfect. She wrapped her arms around him as they melted into each other, the world around them frozen and forgotten. Enchantment vibrated down to his core and obscured his thoughts.

After a moment that felt like forever, Lien pulled away and gasped for air. He instantaneously clasped her to his chest and leaned in for the third kiss. And forth. And fifth. His body tingled with the need to get closer to her. His feelings crackled and burned violently like it had the first time he saw her smile.

At some point between their seventh and eighth time, Lien seemed to regain her common sense and pushed him away. Kasem licked his lips and leaned over, but she pressed one finger against his lips and protested:

"Stop it. I don't like this."

He backed away. "You don't?"

Panic dawned on his face when his gaze swept across her watery eyes. A sob escaped her mouth, and she quickly bury her head onto his shoulder to hide her face. Kasem immediately pulled her closer to a comforting embrace and murmured quick apologies to no avail.

"Never mind." She muttered and tightened his hold on him. "I-I..."

Kasem felt his heart sink. He closed his eyes and traced his hand up and down her back. A hoary voice soared back to life inside his mind again, mimicking the tone he had heard on the busy streets of Chiang Mai. _Don't hurt her_. Kasem was no longer taken aback by the voice. Instead, he pursed his lips and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Lien," He gently pushed her away and inclined his head so that they could be eye to eye. Then he leaned over and kissed her again. Lien was initially unresponsive, but she soon parted her lips and allowed him access. _Ayutthaya_ , he thought in his haze, _if you care about her that much, come back here_. _I can't kiss her forever_.

Immediately after his train of thought, there were loud and urgent knocks on the door. Kasem and Lien jumped in surprise and pulled away in the blink of an eye. Lien was the first to react: she blundered out of his lap and stumbled on the floor.

"Who is that?" She wiped her tears away.

Khoi's voice came from the other side of the door.

"It's me, my lady."

They looked at each other. Then, without exchanging a single word, both of them used their hands to quickly fix their tousled hair and straightened their clothes. To make sure that they did not appear indecent, Kasem got out of bed, removed wrinkles on the sheet and went to the window to pretend that he was watching the crowds on the street.

"Come in." Lien said casually.

Khoi opened the door just in time Kasem turned his head around and met his stare. The man flinched when he saw Kasem in his lady's room, but he did not appear to be surprised.

"My lady, there is something urgent." Khoi cleared his throat. "When I went out to attend the Yi Peng, I crossed a group of Burmese soldiers and overheard that they had somehow gotten wind of Sir Ayutthaya's location. They are making their way toward this tavern now."

Silence met his answer, but the words 'Burmese' and 'tavern' stood out and got Kasem's attention. His body froze over momentarily.

"Even Burma?" Lien asked in a raspy tone.

"Even Burma."

Lien cursed. Kasem gripped the window frame and took in a sharp breath to get a hold of himself as color drained from his face. The Burmese were coming. Reality sunk into him as he tried to rationalize the situation. How could the Burmese know about his location? Did anyone in the tavern recognize him when they rent the rooms? Could it be that his face had been recognized by someone during his clash with the group of men this afternoon? He cast a glance outside. The Burmese had not shown themselves yet, but they would any time soon.

He glanced at Lien and her subordinate. Lien also turned around and met his eyes halfway.

"Looks like we'll be doing a lot of fighting tonight." She dryly commented.

His heart stepped up the pace. "I am ready to fight."

"Then take your sword."

He dashed out of the room to pick up the sword in his room. He was not worried about himself, but he feared for their fates. If they were put in serious danger because of him, he would never forgive himself.

As he went into the hallway, he thought he could hear the the stamping noises of an incoming march from a distance.

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End of chapter 4.

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 **Author's note:**

I call the kisses between Kasem and Lien "inappropriately intimate", not because they are obscene but because they are… historically inaccurate. The kind of mouth-to-mouth kiss that everyone knows today was not introduced to Asian countries until some centuries earlier; the sniff kiss (where a person presses nose and lips against the cheeks of someone else and sniffs) is much more prevalent. In fact, only over one hundred years ago, Paul d'Enjoy noted that some Asian cultures were not receptive to the modern kiss and considered it "a form of cannibalism", and I doubt Thailand and Vietnam's cultures are exceptions.

– On Thailand's part, I read it from an article on Thai Blogs ("A kiss is just a kiss… or is it?") that in the early 1990s, Thai people were still scandalized by the mouth-to-mouth kiss shared by the two main characters in the original Koo Gham (Sunset at Chao Praya) soap series.

– On Vietnam's part, I have not found any material concerning Vietnamese people's reaction to the Western-style kiss in history, but I think it would be anything but positive. So far, I have not come across any Vietnamese folk-verse (ca dao) that mentions kissing.

I know the negative implications of a modern kiss in an ancient Asian country. In fact, I deliberately chose to let the two characters share an (anachronistic) modern kiss because of those implications. Why, though? I'm not going to spoil.


End file.
